My name is George Santos* and I’m so excited to take my seat in the House of Representatives today! While today is a day of celebration, I am aware that there are a few little inconsistencies in my biography. I’d like to address those all today and clear the air. There is a simple explanation for each.
First, let me clear up the question of my employment. People heard me say I worked for “Goldman Sachs” and “Citigroup.” I’m afraid this was a case of people mishearing what I said. I actually worked for Goldman Sax, a mom-and-pop business that sells saxophones. I also worked for City Group, a monorail sales company, where I’ve sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook. People need to listen closer.
I also said I went to Baruch College, New York University, and Horace Mann prep school. I actually got my GED and didn’t go to college. But who doesn’t embellish their resume just a little? Is it really an ethical problem to tell a prospective employer you graduated when you didn’t?
I also claimed my avó survived the Holocaust. I guess I misspoke but I did watch Shoah—well, most of it. Doesn’t that count? I’ve used the name Zabrovsky in the past but we’re not actually Ukrainian or Jewish at all. I guess I was just caught up in all the pro-Ukraine fervor when Russia invaded. But my heart was in the right place.
While I’m on the subject of my racial and ethnic background, I am of Brazilian descent, not Caucasian and African, as I once said. Here’s my thought process on this: Africa is the cradle of humanity, so in a sense, we all came from that continent, right?
No, my mother did not survive being at the Twin Towers on 9/11. But really, didn’t we all survive 9/11? It was something we all went through and it brought the whole country together.
It’s also come out that despite claiming falsely that I own a bunch of real estate, that I’ve been evicted multiple times and caused thousands of dollars in damages to the places I’ve lived in. I’d like to take this moment to distract everyone by saying this: landlords—UGH, am I right?
Some people might say that despite being gay, I never revealed until recently that I had been married to a woman. What is true is that I’ve always been proud to be gay and to support the LGBTQ community. That’s what I’ve found a home in the Republican Party, where an impressive 39 GOP House members—nearly 20 percent of the caucus—voted to protect my apparent current marriage with my husband.
Now, there have also been reports that I self-funded my campaign with $700,000, despite having recently reported $50,000 in income and no assets. There is also a report that I spent $43,000 on air travel for my campaign, which might seem excessive when running for a geographically small district on Long Island. Pay no attention to any of these. I’ll explain them in two weeks. There’s no reason for anyone to think this was money laundering. None at all.
Here's who I am: I’m a hard worker who’s going to do the best for his constituents, and I also invented Post-It notes. You can trust me on that or my name isn’t George Santos.*
* Devolder
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