Which, Um

You know, I’ve been thinking about it and there are a few speech patterns that annoy me so if you could avoid using them then that would be great you’re the best thanks!

Don’t start your sentences with “which.” I don’t know how it started but this verbal tic is everywhere lately. It doesn’t bother me as much in speech but of course nothing is as offensive in speech because once we speak it, it’s gone and we don’t have the printed record to dwell on. Something really irritates me about these written sentences: “We went out and got chocolate ice cream. Which, I would rather have had vanilla.”

Don’t start a sentence with a dependent clause. I see this way too much and it irritates me deeply. Say, “We went out and got chocolate ice cream but I would rather have had vanilla.” It’s grammatically correct and less self-conscious.

Never write a sentence starting with “Um,” particularly when commenting on something online. There’s no way you can begin a comment with “Um” and not sound like a condescending asshole: “Um, actually, Defcon 1 is war and Defcon 5 is peacetime.” Yeah, you’re right but that one syllable is obnoxious because you want to sound like you’re sheepishly pointing out a mistake but you’re just coming off like a prick. It’s like ending an online rant with “Just sayin.’” You are never just sayin’ when you say that.

I mean, when you start off with “Um,” I’m not saying you are a dick but since you’re a stranger, I have only your comment by which to judge you and you sure do sound like a dick. It’s the worst possible first impression you can make.

I’m also not a fan of explaining something solely by saying, “Because of course.” For example, “Miley Cyrus twerked on stage with teddy bears because of course.” If used surgically, that phrase can be an effective putdown but it can also be overused to the point of laziness.