I'm suing you and you and you and oh yeah, you

I was reading about a woman who is suing gay people. All of us. For being gay. She wants a judge to rule for all time whether our behavior is sinful or not.

This will be awkward. I don’t particularly want to get served at work, not do any of the other gay people in this country. I’m also not looking forward to taking a day off so I can sit through a lengthy trial as every homosexual in America testifies. I hope I don’t have to go after Barry Manilow because I know he’ll upstage me.

There are some positives to this lawsuit, however. The main one is, I didn’t know you could just sue broad categories of people! What an eye opener. I’ve been brainstorming and I would like to sue the following groups of people:

·      Drivers who are behind a car turning left on a two-lane road and even though there’s enough shoulder space to pass on the right, they start passing but then stop and block half the shoulder, ensuring that not only they but also none of the less timid drivers behind them can get by.

·      People who hate people who hate Taylor Swift.

·      Those who can only see social problems and issues through the prism of themselves.

·      Smartphone users who take their videos in portrait mode rather than landscape mode.

·      People who smirk while apologizing.

·      BMW drivers who feel that their hood ornament exempts them from using turn signals.

·      Ketchup lovers.

·      Atkins Diet adherents.

·      Native English language speakers who have no problem that the dictionary definition of “literally” now also means “figuratively.”

·      Double-jointed people.

·      ATM users who take 27 minutes to make a simple transaction, refusing to give it up and go inside the bank because they clearly have no idea what they’re doing, while you stand behind them trying to do a transaction that would take you (a competent person) 0.006 seconds.

·      Circus peanut manufacturers.

·      People who don’t put “the” before “prom.”

·      Anyone who diagnosed his or her own gluten problem by consulting Dr. Google rather than Dr. Actual Doctor.

·      People who are too dimwitted to be condescending or cop an attitude but they go ahead and do it anyway.

I am writing the legal petition out now by hand on looseleaf paper as you read this.