Shit. Shit shit shit.
I guess the early holiday just snuck up on me this year. But
nobody in my life wants to hear excuses. They just want their Easter baskets,
on time and bursting with chocolate. It’s not like the supermarkets and
drugstores didn’t warn me. They put up Easter displays on Feb. 15, the moment
the Valentine’s Day chocolate turns irreparably rancid, just so we can all
start our shopping early. Because God knows Easter shopping takes at least six
weeks to complete.
I just have so much to do and am feeling completely
overwhelmed. My estimate is that I will need 27 Easter baskets to distribute to
family and friends. The amount of plastic grass alone is incalculable. Then
think of all the plastic eggs and jellybeans and chocolate bunnies and pastel
M&Ms (they must be pastel because any other kind does not taste like
Easter). Plus the hundred or more Easter cards I have to send out to everybody
and … and …
I have to lie down.
What a fool I am. For the next 25 days, I’m going to be
reduced to driving all over the tri-state area, scouring every obscure
convenience store looking for chocolate. And I’m only going to find the dregs
because everybody else started shopping over a month ago. And then Easter is
going to be ruined for everyone.
Sigh. I never thought I’d be one of those people who started
Easter shopping on Holy Saturday. Now I’m going to show up with a bunch of
baskets that look like drunk people made them during the Depression. My God,
I’m going to be laughed out of Christianity, aren’t I?
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