Don't burn that. That's money.

God, I love money. I just really enjoy having it. Money certainly isn’t everything — family, friends, health, blah blah — but money can actually be a means to ensure that you have some security in life. People say you can’t throw money at your problems but you absolutely can do that when the problem is debt. We do have some debt, and may have more debt if the Delmarva electrical line excavation project ends up costing us, so we could use some more cash.

Is it weird that I fantasize about finding an unmarked envelope full of cash and then also fantasize about how I’d launder the money to avoid any IRS inquiries?

Say I’m walking in a remote area in the woods (I do not do this) when I find an envelope full of cash. Let’s say $10,000 — no, $20,000. There’s nobody around, even though I walk around looking for someone. I keep the money. Of course I keep the money. I don’t really care where it came from because it’s just wealth expressed in paper. It’s transactional and not some talisman. Plus, the chances are that if you find an envelope full of cash in the woods, nobody was up to any good with it. I really doubt a Girl Scout dropped it after a big day of cookie sales.

Anyway, I figure, why pay taxes on this or get a lot of questions when I deposit it in the bank? So we start by paying everything we would normally pay for in credit or debit, like groceries or gas or dinners out, with the cash. We keep a tally and then use the money in our accounts, which we did not use for groceries or cash, and use that to pay extra toward our debt. We pay down the small debts and then use the snowball method to pay down the larger ones. That $20,000 can’t pay off our house but it can make life easier. Plus, I’d give some to charity, help out people I know, save some, etc.

I would also love to have some rich person throw money at me in an arrogant display of power. Some people would think this is insulting and refuse the money out of not wanting to feel owned or whatever. Me, I’d get down on my hands and knees and collect every dollar and run to the bank so fast, there’d be a cartoon puff of smoke where I once was. Then it’s bye bye, Mastercard balance. Here’s the equation:

$0 credit card debt > momentary humiliation at the hands of an arrogant rich person

I am reminded here of a scene in Parks and Recreation. Ben is about to drunkenly burn a large sum of money that a rich person has thrown at him. Ron Swanson says, “Don’t burn that. That’s money.” What a sage.