Taken for Granite

What do you suppose is the percentage of homeowners on HGTV shows who are full of shit when they insist on having a state-of-the-art kitchen because they’re always cooking elaborate meals and entertaining?

For once, I would like to see a couple admit that they don’t have people over that much and usually just order takeout. Instead, everyone needs a Viking range and countertops that run to five figures. I’m sure a lot of these homeowners do actually cook, or maybe since they’re moving into a new house, they’re turning over a new leaf and are invigorated to cook more. But there have to be some people on these shows who are faking it.

It all just seems very performative, as if people know all their family and friends will watch the show and they have to present the perfect face for TV. It’s like Facebook where you post only the pictures that make your life look really together and that you’re always doing amazing things but just outside the frame, there’s a pile of dirty clothes and unpaid bills.

Of course, there is no item more prized than granite countertops, or quartz or whatever the new material is. Some people on HGTV walk into a kitchen and look at old countertops like somebody is dangling a used tissue in front of them. I’ve seen people balk at installing new wiring or a new furnace but it didn’t really occur to them to pay for it by maybe not having $12,000 countertops. Or just live with the older kitchen and update it when you have the money, like everyone else does.

I can’t really blame them for wanting something nice in their homes, especially when they all seem to have a ton of money to play with. Our kitchen is old and I’d like to update it at some point, but for now the Formica works just fine. People on TV seem to love granite countertops almost to point of fetishizing them. If people are being honest, I wonder how many would admit that they’re basically spending a ton of money for countertops not to make some fancy risotto, but to have something glamorous to rest their pizza boxes on.