Dear Whoever Makes Oreos,

Stop experimenting. Just stop. You have been perfect for like 100 years and these weird fads you get on sometimes are sickening.

Just for the hell of it, we recently tried Oreos that had some kind of cherry cola flavoring. They had some kind of pop-rock effect where they exploded in your mouth. They were naaaaaasty. They were so nasty, our son took one bite and spit the cookie in the trash.

Think about that: you made a child spit an unfinished Oreo in the trash. When has that ever happened?

I should have been mad at him, because spitting food in the trash is not something anyone should do. But you know what? It didn’t bother me, because I knew why he did that. I took one bite of your abominable cookie and didn’t finish it. I didn’t spit it in the trash, since I have (a little) more control than my still-developing 9-year-old, but still—I couldn’t finish an Oreo. I’m not encouraging trash-spitting but once in awhile, you have to allow kids to bend the rules a little.

Just leave Oreos at chocolate. You also make these “blonde” Oreos or whatever, made with vanilla. I’m sure they’re fine for those degenerates who prefer vanilla to chocolate, but they’re just not Oreos. It’s like when someone on the Food Network makes a martini with tequila or something—it’s not a martini. It’s something else.

Oreos are just chocolate cookie with delicious hydrogenated oil filling. That’s it. Don’t go too much further afield than double-stuff. Mint might be OK. Apparently, you also make lemon Oreos and while I am a sucker for anything lemon, they just aren’t Oreos. Certainly your weapon-grade cherry filling doesn’t cut it.

I don’t eat Oreos often but they’re perfect as is. I guess this is what happens when you make a perfect product: You get bored after a few decades and experiment unwisely. Just. Leave them. Alone.

Thank you for your time. I’ll be perusing the Hydrox aisle.