Purest Ray of Celestial Light (D)

In one month, Americans will have their say at the polls. I’d like to announce that in this election and every subsequent election, I will only vote for the purest ray of light celestial on the ballot.

This ray of light must shine without a flaw. Its light must be consistently brilliant, having never faded, even for a moment, through the years. This ray of light must inspire me and must earn my vote. The light must save us all.

More importantly, the celestial light’s ideology must be in complete harmony with every aspect of my belief system. The light wants a $17 minimum wage instead of the $21 I want? Go to hell! The light advocates Medicare for all but makes people sign up for it? Impure! The light once gave a speech and got a check? Corporate fascist!

The pure light must be in complete communion with my soul and perfectly dovetail with who I am as a person, so I may retain my unblemished halo. The light and I must trill in perfect harmony like the tintinnabulation that so voluminously swells from the ringing and the dinging of the bells. Then, and only then, will I pull that lever.

I will dip my litmus strip into this light and if it doesn’t come up with the most flawlessly beautiful color that is possible in the visible spectrum, I will reject it like expired milk. The light will be dead to me.

Also, I better get an “I Voted” sticker. I don’t do anything without getting a tangible prize.

And if I don’t see a pure enough ray of light to vote for either in the midterms or in 2020, I’ll just stay home and let the other side win, so we all learn a lesson. I can always go to the protest later. #Resistance