Tuesday, November 27, 2018

I'm not, but


I’m not a scientist, but last week’s cold snap forever proves that global warming is a hoax.

I’m not a mechanic, but you should turn on your air conditioner if your car’s engine starts to overheat.

I’m not a writer, but “between you and I” is grammatically correct.

I’m not a constitutional lawyer, but the First Amendment means it’s illegal for you to tell me to shut up.

I’m not a baker, but baking soda and baking powder are interchangeable.

I’m not a doctor, but the MMR vaccine causes non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

I’m not a housekeeper, but a mixture of bleach and ammonia is a great cleaning agent.

I’m not a financial planner, but spending 75 percent of your net pay on your mortgage is sound.

I’m not a musician, but a tenor is lower than a baritone.

I’m not a dietician, but you can eat as much margarine as you want without consequence.

I’m not a neuroscientist, but you can tell a lot about people’s personalities by measuring their skulls.  

I’m not a teacher, but elementary school kids learn best in classes of 65 or more.

I’m not an obstetrician, but that second megarita can’t hurt anything.



Wednesday, November 21, 2018

The Value of Comic Books


Bill Maher recently said something dumb (quelle surprise) that criticized that people were mourning the death of Stan Lee and posited that Donald Trump could have only been elected by a populace that took comic books seriously. I’m going to give Maher’s link of comics to Trump the rigorous analysis that it deserves, which is none at all. But since Lee died, I have been thinking about comic books and their importance.

I did feel a little sadness when Stan Lee died. The guy was 95 so the feeling is more that gratitude for a life well lived that you feel when very old people die, but I still felt a little pang. I’ve been reading comic books for over 35 years and Lee co-created the foundational teams of the Marvel Universe: the Fantastic Four, the Avengers and the X-Men. He wrote those titles for many years and created a very large part of the Marvel mythos. Lee had a hefty amount of help from artists like Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko, of course. But Kirby died decades ago and Ditko (who also died recently) was a recluse, leaving Lee a very visible symbol of the old days of Marvel. So when he was gone, and people like me lost the man who helped create so many treasured four-color icons, yeah, there was a little mourning.

Comic books can be two-dimensional but Lee helped bring a sophistication to them. Marvel did something in the Silver Age that other publishers weren’t doing: giving superheroes real personalities and conflicts and basing them in something close to the real world. Spider-Man was always broke and wracked with guilt. In the Fantastic Four, the Thing had to come to terms with his mutated form and fought constantly with the Human Torch. At Avengers Mansion, Hawkeye belligerently questioned Captain America’s leadership while the Scarlet Witch chafed at Quicksilver’s overprotection. Cyclops, Marvel Girl and the original X-Men tried to serve a world that hated them just for who they were. Nobody had done this before in the medium.

Because of the work of people like Lee, Kirby and Ditko, later creators were inspired to create sophisticated comics themselves. This led to what middle-aged people like me read and still cherish: Frank Miller’s cinematic Elektra Saga in Daredevil, Bill Sienkiewicz’s wildly impressionistic New Mutants, John Byrne’s back-to-basics Fantastic Four, Chris Claremont’s examination of corruption and power in the “Dark Phoenix Saga” in Uncanny X-Men, and many more.

Comics are for kids, critics will say, and when you grow up, you need to start reading something more adult. But it’s a mistake to think that comic readers are only reading about Spider-Man, as many of us can actually handle reading more than one medium or genre at a time. I pick up a comic once in awhile but I am reading real, actual adult material constantly, to the point where it’s probably off-putting to my family. I have to have a book in front of me at all times—have to. Once I’m done one, I immediately go to the next one like a chain smoker. I am always reading some doorstop novel, and I’m also a comic reader. How about that.

This is something familiar to many people: Caring about more than one thing at once. I can watch a sportsball game and at the same time, devour news about politics and world affairs. Someone else can watch reality TV and have an encyclopedic knowledge of classic music. Et cetera. It’s not hard for most of us and there are comic readers who do have other interests.

Comic books have always done more than “inspire people to go see a movie.” They have inspired people for decades to write and draw, and not just comic books. They were part of what inspired me to write, and my accomplishments in that field are nothing to write home about, but they may not have happened at all without comics.

Comics also inspire kids to read. This is nothing apart from what the Harry Potter books have done. People have rightly praised JK Rowling for her contribution to getting kids to read. Why should it be any different for comics? There are many comics that over the years have developed characters as well as any other long-running serials.

I don’t read too many new comics these days but I do still revisit the oldies in their plastic bags sometimes. A few times a year, I’ll go crate digging for some Bronze Age back issues. Some of these are issues I once had and lost or traded away decades ago and when I find them again, I’ll see a panel that I remember from childhood, and it will inspire nostalgia and recognition, like a little blooming flower in my head. It’s those little bursts of pleasure that make comic books worth it for me and other people. Let people have that.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Hear that?


That’s silence. The election ends and the airwaves return to normal.

No longer will we need to listen to the litany of names. Fitzpatrick. Kim. Menendez. Casey. Carper. McArthur. Scott Wallace/Wagner/Walker/Weiner/Whatever. Half the names fall down the memory hole and the other half only surface when you need your street repaved.

No longer do we need to hear the ominous disembodied voices gravely discussing the issues. No more underage prostitutes. No more golf spikes to the face. No more egregious tax breaks. No more Willie Horton 2: Electric Boogaloo.

We can make dinner in peace now with just the regular, normal prattle, easily tuned out. We can make morning coffee without the blare of electoral issues, instead soothed by the background noise of Jim Sipala wanting to see ya in a Kia and fitness tips from Shoshanna.

Soon even the signs littering the highway will be swept into the dustbin of history. For now, enjoy the silence. Whether you sigh with relief or sigh with disappointment, at least you can hear yourself sigh.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Correct Coffee Cups


Okay—what is everyone’s complaint about the Starbucks Christmas coffee cups this year? I know there’s always a problem every year so what is the 2018 winner? Halloween is over and the candy has disappeared from stores, as if it never existed, in favor of Christmas trees, so we may as well talk about all this now.

Ooh, is there too much red on the cups? Are they not red enough? And is it the wrong shade of red? Is it a dusty rose when it should be more of a maroon? Magenta when it should be scarlet? What is the correct CMYK breakdown for the cups to hold my half-fat, half-caf, extra foam latte correctly?

Is there a design on the cups that is too conceptual or too abstract? Is it a postmodern holiday when all you want is an old-fashioned Normal Rockwell Christmas? Tell me: What is there to complain about this year besides the fact that the baristas misspell your name as Kiersten (“It’s actually Khyerrstyn”)?

Maybe the lady in the Starbucks logo is wearing a Santa hat when she should be carrying a lump of frankincense or myrrh. Maybe the coffee company just isn’t hitting the Christ thing hard enough and we’ll foam at the mouth like the aforementioned latte because goddammit, they should be celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace correctly.

Or perhaps you’ve compared several coffee cups and found the exact same snowflake on each one, in violation of the laws of nature.

So what’s the problem now? It’s become a sacred Christmas tradition, on par with Christmas carols and eggnog, to bitch about something you’re going to throw in the trash in 10 minutes anyway.