Correct Coffee Cups

Okay—what is everyone’s complaint about the Starbucks Christmas coffee cups this year? I know there’s always a problem every year so what is the 2018 winner? Halloween is over and the candy has disappeared from stores, as if it never existed, in favor of Christmas trees, so we may as well talk about all this now.

Ooh, is there too much red on the cups? Are they not red enough? And is it the wrong shade of red? Is it a dusty rose when it should be more of a maroon? Magenta when it should be scarlet? What is the correct CMYK breakdown for the cups to hold my half-fat, half-caf, extra foam latte correctly?

Is there a design on the cups that is too conceptual or too abstract? Is it a postmodern holiday when all you want is an old-fashioned Normal Rockwell Christmas? Tell me: What is there to complain about this year besides the fact that the baristas misspell your name as Kiersten (“It’s actually Khyerrstyn”)?

Maybe the lady in the Starbucks logo is wearing a Santa hat when she should be carrying a lump of frankincense or myrrh. Maybe the coffee company just isn’t hitting the Christ thing hard enough and we’ll foam at the mouth like the aforementioned latte because goddammit, they should be celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace correctly.

Or perhaps you’ve compared several coffee cups and found the exact same snowflake on each one, in violation of the laws of nature.

So what’s the problem now? It’s become a sacred Christmas tradition, on par with Christmas carols and eggnog, to bitch about something you’re going to throw in the trash in 10 minutes anyway.