Government
shutdown got you down? Forced to work without pay while hoping your pocket lint
will pay the mortgage? Eating free ramen from the food bank?
Well, never
fear, for I’ve come down from Mount Olympus to deign to tell all the little
people how to cope with missing a second paycheck. Here are some pro tips:
·
If
you’re running low on food, remember that not every meal has to be gourmet;
sometimes they can be leftover gourmet. Michelin three-star restaurants are notoriously
picky about the freshness of food, so they’re always throwing out perfectly
good produce, meats or desserts. Just use your connections to contact Daniel
Humm and Brian Lockwood at Eleven Madison Park. I’m sure they’ll be happy to
give you some day-old soufflé or coq au vin.
·
Is
your mortgage company or landlord really on your case about paying for housing?
Just take out a loan. Surely you have a luxury car or vacation home you can use
as collateral to get a loan and a few thousand more in liquidity.
·
There
are always things around the house that you can sell to earn more money. Most
homes have artworks by de Kooning or Matisse that they’re not really using.
Just call an auction house and you’ll have more than enough money. After the shutdown
ends, you can always use your back pay to buy back the artwork.
·
You
must have an impressive collection of luxury clothing and accessories. Rent out
that Birkin bag to some aspiring fashionista and you’ll pick up a ton of extra
cash. Sure, you’ll have to slum it with that spare bag from JC Penney, but that
might be fun.
·
Ask
one of the servants to lend you some insulin to get you through the day.
I’m glad I
could help!
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