Today we’re seeing the first snowfall in almost two years. It’s hard to think back that far into the recesses of time to remember how we used to get into the correct state of panic to be able to handle the weather. Are you buying too much of the right foods? Is your level of melodrama meeting the moment? Ideally, you should have started panicking days ago when Action News first ominously started talking about forecast models, but there’s still time to panic before the first flakes fall. Join me for a refresher course on how to panic.
Food shopping. If you’re rusty on what foods to buy, don’t worry about vegetables, fruits or meats. It’s eggs, bread and milk. The important thing here is quantity. To get through today’s major blizzard, for a family of four, I’d suggest four dozen eggs, six loaves of bread and three gallons of milk. Don’t worry about expiration dates—you’ll go through it all. With the avalanche of snow we’re expecting today, you might not be able to get out for a few weeks, so stocking up is very wise.
Also of importance is your attitude when at the supermarket. Don’t just treat it like a normal shopping day. You need to combine agitation and panic with slowness. For example, if your cart is full of gallon upon gallon of whole milk, scan it very slowly and deliberately. If there’s someone behind you who just needs three things for tonight’s dinner, don’t let him ahead of you—go even slower but maintain that attitude of EMERGENCY.
Driving. This doesn’t apply as much to people today, since so many people are working from home, but it’s good to brush up. You should always keep at least a quarter-mile following distance between yourself and the car in front of you; research shows the average skid in the snow and ice is 1,000 feet. In inclement weather, remember that the left lane becomes the slow lane. You should slow down 10 mph per inch of snow. So with today’s storm, if you get 10 inches, you should put your car in reverse at 40 mph on the highway. Look out for SNOW SQUALLS!
The guiding principle with driving in the snow is to stay afraid. Remember that time when your car slid and did a 35º years ago? Keep that terror inside you. Do not try to get over it or improve your skills.
Level of panic. Are you being melodramatic enough today? At all times, you should be acting like you’re starring in King Lear and the Tony committee is in the audience. So hide under the bed. Look out the window and sigh audibly. Anytime they mention the word “snow” on the weather, moan as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders. The best way to deal with a major natural disaster like this is disproportionately.
I hope you’ve enjoyed your refresher course on panic. It’s been awhile since we’ve had to kick into Wagner-opera-act-V-level drama, but you can do it.
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