Things That Annoy Me When People Do Them in Movies or TV

It annoys me when people in TV or movies walk into or out of a house and leave the front door open. They probably do this because going back to close the door would distract from the dialogue, but I’m always watching and saying, “Close the door!” I end up distracted from the dialogue anyway, so they might as well close the door. Who are these people? Can they afford to heat or cool the whole neighborhood? Do they want bugs to come in?

 

It annoys me when people in TV or movies end a phone call without saying goodbye. Almost nobody will say goodbye or give some kind of conclusion to a call. They just hang up. It could be a declaration of love or a revelation that someone has a horrible disease. And at the end, it’s just “click.” It’s rude.

 

It annoys me when people in TV or movies go out to a restaurant and then don’t eat. These people are “I’ll just have coffee” or “Nothing for me, thanks.” Then why are you there? This nags at me because I like to see people eat—not watch them eat, as I had to clarify with my son at dinner when he thought I meant I liked to watch people chew, but I just like to know that they ate well. I watched a lot of Dallas and that always happened on that soap opera. People would set up a lunch meeting at a nice restaurant and then they’d just have some bitchy “Stop sleeping with my husband” exchange and one of them would storm off before the waiter took their drink order. I’m so obsessed with food that I’m thinking, “Well, did they ever eat? Did they just skip lunch and go home?” I’m concerned for these people.

 

It annoys me when people in TV or movies turn down money. Unless it’s actual blood money, if someone offers you money, you take it. I’m talking here about characters who are simply too proud to accept a large check out of principle. Meanwhile, I’m watching at home and yelling, “Take the money! What’s your problem?!” Donate some to charity or do something decent with that money but Take. It. I think it’s healthy to see money as an emotionless tool that lets us achieve our goals and gives us security. If someone offered me a large check, unless it were blood money, I’d deposit it so fast, I’d leave a Looney Tunes-esque cloud of smoke in my wake. I wouldn’t even think about being beholden or proud or any of that nonsense. I would have zero angst.

 

This is off topic but it amuses me lately to see commercials use Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” in such an oblivious manner. Some animated children’s movie used this song awhile ago and now there’s a pharmaceutical commercial with a guy singing a mellow version of “You can go your own way/ Go your own waaaay” like it’s some uplifting Zen koan. The reason he only repeats these lines is because they’re literally the only positive lyrics in the whole song. The first line of the song is “Loving you isn’t the right thing to do” and it also contains the bilious gems “You can call it another lonely day” and “Packing up, shacking up is all you want to do.” “Go Your Own Way” is not some inspirational song—it’s Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks hissing and spitting at each other. It’s breathtakingly nasty and I love it. It’s just funny to think of someone hearing this commercial and seeking out the original, expecting some inspiration, and instead finding it’s full of coked-out ‘70s vitriol.

WandaVision Episode 3: Now in Color

Reality and memory and grief intrude into the Scarlet Witch’s fictional town of Westview in the third episode of WandaVision. After giving birth to twins, Wanda notes her brother Pietro was her twin, and starts singing a soft lullaby to Billy and Tommy in her native Sokovian.

 

Geraldine/Monica tells Wanda that Ultron killed Pietro, and she doesn’t take it well. The wacky ‘70s sitcom vibe ends and Wanda notices her friend wearing a necklace with the SWORD symbol. She casts Monica out of her delusion, and she lands in a modern-day field, surrounded by men with guns. The Monkees’ “Daydream Believer” plays, appropriately, because Wanda has come to believe in her own daydreams.

 

Pietro Maximoff (Quicksilver) had a very brief heroic career in the Marvel movies. Who is he in Marvel Comics? He was one of the earliest recruits of the Avengers, along with Wanda. While she was a core member of the team for decades, Quicksilver was more of a wanderer, much more a reservist than an active member. He married Crystal of the Inhumans (the same who appeared on the awful Inhumans TV show) and they had a daughter, Luna. Ironically, the daughter was a non-powered human despite being the offspring of a mutant and an Inhuman. The Inhumans originally lived in isolation in the hidden city of Attilan in the Himalayas, but after Earth’s pollution started killing them, Reed Richards helped move the city to the Blue Area of the Moon (which has gravity and an atmosphere). Quicksilver and Crystal eventually divorced. She joined the Avengers for a time without him and he was briefly associated with X-Factor. He’s always been around, teaming up with the Avengers on and off.

 

Wanda and Pietro have a well-established dynamic in the comics. Due to their traumatic beginning, he was always overprotective of his twin sister, despite the fact that she was more powerful. Eventually Wanda came into her own as a superhero, as many of the Marvel women created in the ‘60s came into their own. (And thank God they did. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created a lot of iconic women heroes but their powers were used in a sexist manner and they were too often damsels in distress. The Invisible Girl’s power was to disappear from view and she needed her teammates to rescue her. The Wasp was a ditzy socialite whose power was to shrink from view. Marvel Girl had low-level telekinesis and was considered the least powerful original X-Man. By the early ’80s, these women displayed their full potential. The Invisible Woman harnessed the full power of her invisible forcefields and became a force to be reckoned with. The Wasp served as Avengers chairwoman for years, capably leading such skilled warriors as Captain America and Thor. Marvel Girl single-handedly saved the universe as Phoenix and nearly destroyed it as Dark Phoenix.) Quicksilver also couldn’t stand the Vision, as he was appalled that his sister married an artificial man. They called a truce eventually but it felt like half the Avengers comics in the Bronze Age had a scene with the Vision and Scarlet Witch calling Quicksilver on the big video screen and Quicksilver giving a “No sister of mine” speech to Wanda before hanging up.

 

Anyway, the TV show. Putting the Brady Bunch stairs on the opposite side of the house was an effective way to convey that this thing we’re all familiar with has something very wrong with it. There’s also something very wrong with Wanda giving birth to the twins on such an accelerated timetable. (This reminds me of a story in Avengers #200, when Ms. Marvel (Carol Danvers) goes through full-term pregnancy in a few days, with the child growing to adulthood at alarming speed. Carol didn’t know how she got pregnant, didn’t want the baby, and was disgusted by some of the other Avengers cooing over her. It turned out that a time traveler named Marcus Immortus abducted Carol into limbo and manipulated her into sleeping with him, so she could give birth to him and he could enter our world. After the child grew to adulthood, he manipulated Carol into going back to limbo to live with him. The Avengers just let them leave without finding out if Carol was doing it of her own free will. This story is still notorious 40 years later—it was a disrespectful way to write the powerful, independent Ms. Marvel out of comics. The reception from fans and creators was so bad that a year later, Chris Claremont wrote a response story that brought Carol back to the Marvel Universe and had her read the Avengers for filth for letting her leave while under the control of her rapist. It was a whole thing.)

 

Anyway, I keep getting distracted. I’m guessing that Wanda is manipulating reality and SWORD has some sort of perimeter around it to contain the damage. Maybe they sent Monica in to keep tabs on Wanda or bring her out of it. I don’t know if Monica has her Captain Marvel powers (converting her body to any form of energy) but if she does, she’s pretty powerful, so it was a big deal for the Scarlet Witch to cast her out. For the second time, Wanda has also been able to “rewind” what she doesn’t like (the Vision questioning the reality she built) so she is tapping into some dangerous power.

 

This has been Brian’s Weekly Tangent. Stop by next week to see what weird, sort-of relevant corner of Marvel history I delve into next.

WandaVision Episodes 1–2

I can’t think of anything to write about lately so I’m harnessing my love of sitting on the couch and eating bon-bons while watching TV to start writing episode recaps of WandaVision.

 

I saw the first two episodes last week and loved them. The Scarlet Witch is my favorite comic book character (tied with Storm). One of the earliest comics I remember reading was Avengers #234 in 1983, which explained her origin. I can tell this TV show is the product of people like me who grew up on Avengers comics in the ‘80s, and the show really seems to understand the characters of the Scarlet Witch and the Vision (there were a few impressively deep cuts from the comics).

 

This show is full of Easter eggs for comic fans so I’ll give my impression of what I think WandaVision is up to. Hold on, because I’m about to geek out.

 

Wanda Maximoff and her twin brother Pietro were born on Wundagore Mountain in Eastern Europe. Their father wasn’t in the picture and their mother died in childbirth so they were raised by a kindly couple in the fictional nation of Transia. After they developed their mutant powers, the townspeople turned on them and they had to flee. The mutant Magneto found Wanda and Pietro as teenagers and they became the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver. They briefly joined Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and clashed with the original X-Men but soon realized they were not villains and joined the Avengers. Quicksilver drifted from the team after awhile but the Scarlet Witch was a core member of the Avengers for a very long time after joining in publishing year 1965.

 

A few years later, the Vision encountered the Avengers. The Vision is a synthezoid (an android with a human mind) created by the murderous Ultron, who was built by Hank Pym. The Vision got his name when he phased through a wall, startling the Wasp, who cried, “It’s some sort of inhuman vision!” He realized he was being manipulated, turned against Ultron and joined the Avengers. He was also on the team for a very long time. The Vision’s mind is based on the brain of Wonder Man (Simon Williams), a superhuman who was manipulated by the Masters of Evil into attacking the Avengers. Wonder Man appeared to die (he later returned) but the Avengers recorded his brain and personality, which Ultron gave to Vision. Thus Vision is basically Wonder Man’s brother.

 

Over time, the Vision and Scarlet Witch fell in love and got married. Eventually they left the Avengers to start a family. Although the vision has an artificial body, Wanda was able to use magic to get pregnant. She had twins, Billy and Tommy. 

 

Tragedy struck a few years later. The Vision had accessed world government computers, and the affected nations teamed up to disassemble him and strip him of the top-secret knowledge he gained. Hank Pym and the Black Panther reassembled the Vision’s body but Wonder Man refused to give permission to recopy his brain. So the Vision lost all his personality and emotional connection to his wife. This devastated Wanda, who basically became a widow whose husband was still walking around.

 

Then, in a controversial story in Avengers West Coast in 1989, they found out their children weren’t real but a projection of Wanda’s subconscious—when she stopped thinking about them, they disappeared. Their souls were pieces of the essence of the demon Mephisto, whom Franklin Richards had shattered into pieces. Mephisto reabsorbed the children and the sorceress Agatha Harkness erased them from Wanda’s memory, thinking this was a mercy. However, years later, the Scarlet Witch remembered her children and had a breakdown that destroyed the Avengers. I hated that story because it leaned on the “hysterical woman” trope and also turned my favorite character into a murderer. The two children did later return.

 

Anyway, WandaVision. The show seems to understand the two characters. Wanda is a superhero who just wants what she sees as a normal life: A husband, kids and a house in the suburbs. She faced prejudice as a mutant and due to her Roma/Jewish heritage, and carries the burden of being Magneto’s daughter, so she’s gone through a lot. The Vision also just wants a more normal life. Since his first appearance, he has longed to be human and sees himself as an emotionless machine, which is ironic since he is nothing but emotion and cried in his second appearance in a comic when the Avengers asked him to join.

 

So the moment when the dinner guests ask why Wanda and the Vision don’t have kids—causing Wanda to tense up—was subtly powerful. I think the sitcoms are something Wanda created to process her grief and give her a space where she can lead a more normal life. But reality keeps intruding. The first episode was a Dick Van Dyke Show homage until it turned into a David Lynch movie—the scene where the Vison’s boss chokes and Debra Jo Rupp repeats “Stop it” right to the camera, getting more and more serious and speaking to Wanda as much as her choking husband, was stunning.

 

Is this warped reality Wanda’s doing or is she trapped in a world not of her own making? The radio voice asking “Who’s doing this to you, Wanda?” would imply the latter. However, there is precedent for the Scarlet Witch to warp reality. She appears to be telekinetic in the movies but in the comics, her powers have always been vague. She basically can create hexes that can have unpredictable effects—she’ll point at your gun and it will jam. Later they explained her powers as manipulating probabilities. Then she became a chaos magic user. (Wanda is not technically a sorceress but she has had some training. She was born with magic potential as her birth was influenced by the elder god Chthon.) In later years, the Scarlet Witch got a power boost and was able to warp reality. Once, under the influence of Morgan Le Fay, she transformed part of the world to medieval times and trapped he Avengers there. Later in the House of M story, with some manipulation by Quicksilver, she changed reality to give all the Marvel heroes what they wanted, which culminated in her stripping powers away from most of the world’s mutants.

 

I think everyone in the first two sitcom episodes has an analogue in reality. Agnes is Agatha Harkness, Wanda’s sorcerous mentor and the former nanny of Franklin Richards. Geraldine is Monica Rambeau, the first woman to hold the Captain Marvel title in the ‘80s, and a longtime Avenger. She was my Captain Marvel when I started reading comics so I’m happy they’re bringing Monica in. The guy in the beekeeper suit is probably from Advanced Idea Mechanics (AIM). They’re not actual beekeepers but in the comics wore suits that looked that way. There’s a rumor that the blonde woman in the second episode is Mephisto.

 

I am very intrigued after two episodes and can’t wait to see where WandaVision is going.

Stay Shocked

I frequently hear people refer to a development as “shocking but not surprising.” The phrase had never previously made sense to me: Isn’t shock just a more extreme form of surprise? If so, how can you get to the stage 2 of shock without going through the stage 1 of surprise?

 

After the violent insurrection in the Capitol on Jan. 6, I understand better how an event can be shocking but not surprising. It shocked me to my core to see that rabble overrun the House and Senate chambers. But anybody who was paying attention shouldn’t have been surprised. I was one of many people who was aware of the protests planned so these domestic terrorists definitely telegraphed their intentions. I guess the best way to describe this situation was that it was shocking but in retrospect should have come as no surprise.

 

When the attack on Congress happened, I was heartbroken, sick and shaking with anger. What happened is beyond justification. I had the C-SPAN tab open to listen in the background while I worked and while someone was speaking (I had muted the Republican speeches), people started looking to the side of the screen, and I knew there was some sort of disturbance starting. I figured some protestors would say their peace and be removed from the chamber.

 

Of course, I didn’t think it would be quite that bad. It shocked me that the vice president, speaker of the House and president pro tempore of the Senate (the next three in the line of presidential succession) had to be whisked away. It shocked me that all 535 members of Congress had to be evacuated. It shocked me to watch domestic terrorists overwhelm the Capitol police (one of them is now dead after being bludgeoned by a fire extinguisher).

 

It shocked me to see Confederate traitor flags flying in the Capitol and a noose openly erected in our nation’s capital. It shocked me to see the smug looks on the faces of these jackasses, who were sure nobody would stop them because they’re protected by the shield of whiteness. It sure as hell shocked me to see the disparity between tear-gassing protestors who were asserting their dignity in the face of police brutality and police posing for selfies with people who were actively and literally (and I mean that in the literal sense of “literally’) trying to overthrow the government and ignore 81 million votes that hurt their feelings, based on a bunch of lies spouted by the president and his seditious sycophants in Congress.

 

Even though things like this may not surprise us, I think there is value in staying shocked by them. This stuff is morally reprehensible and I don’t want to become inured to it. If we let ourselves become jaded by events that were predictable but still horrible, then we lose the motivation to act to prevent those events.

 

So let it shock you and let yourself stay shocked that the president of the United States fomented a violent insurrection on the grounds of the Capitol as Congress certified a presidential election.

 

I had really hoped to stop writing about that rancid sack of shit in the White House. He’s leaving next week (at the latest) and I don’t want to become a broken record or turn people off. But you know what? If you don’t like what I’m writing, don’t click on it. It’s only a blog, not zip ties on the floor of the Senate.

 

 

Both Sides

Remember on election night 2016, when the outcome was seesawing between the two candidates, and Hillary Clinton went on TV in the middle of the night and prematurely declared victory?

 

Remember how, when it did become clear that Donald Trump won the presidency, Clinton refused to concede, held press conferences (with her arms folded huffily in front of her chest) that angrily disputed the election results, and tweeted endlessly about the unfairness of it all?

 

Remember when President Obama refused to invite Trump to the Oval Office to discuss the transition? Remember when Obama actively blocked that transition by refusing to let the General Services Administration release transition funds, and also told his administration not cooperate with Trump’s incoming staff?

 

Remember when the Clinton campaign’s lawyers had that bizarre press conference outside the Hilton Auto Body and Ostomy Supplies in Greater Downtown Poughkeepsie, insisting that they won, despite the 306–232 Electoral College landslide victory for Trump?

 

Remember how John Podesta’s hair dye melted down his face when he and his fellow lawyers tried to explain their crackpot theories of election fraud, namely that the Koch brothers and Sheldon Adelson worked with voting software personally invented by Chairman Mao to throw votes to Clinton?

 

Remember how they counted the votes in Wisconsin a total of three times—once by hand—and Trump still won it? Remember how Clinton still refused to believe that?

 

Remember how the Democrats’ legal team filed over 60 briefs challenging the 2016 election results in court, many of which had blatant typos and factual errors? Remember how every judge they petitioned laughed them out of the courtroom for not presenting any actual evidence of election fraud?

 

Remember when all a majority of the Democratic caucus in the House and several attorneys general petitioned the Supreme Court, and the court wouldn’t even hear their blatant attempt to overturn the will of the people?

 

Remember how through the entire aftermath of the 2016 election, the Ebola virus was killing thousands of people per day and lame duck Obama abandoned his post and any attempt to mitigate the virus, opting instead to play golf and sulk? Remember how he couldn’t display even a sliver of empathy for the dead or suffering?

 

Remember how Hillary Clinton tweeted election-related lies so frequently that Twitter had to invent a new disclaimer?

 

Remember when Clinton and her legal team pressured state legislatures to appoint their own slate of Clinton electors?

 

Remember when Clinton’s allies floated using martial law to seize voting machines and overturn the election results in her favor?

 

Remember when violent antifa protesters, with the tacit support of the president, swarmed Washington to protest the election results and four people got stabbed and the police mostly turned a blind eye?

 

Remember when several prominent Democratic senators, including Chuck Schumer and Elizabeth Warren, signaled that they would object to the certified Electoral College totals on the Senate floor? Remember when Obama openly pressured Vice President Biden to assume extraconstitutional powers and not accept the Electoral College vote?

 

Remember when Hillary Clinton violated state and federal law by having an hour-long conversation with the secretary of state of Michigan, pleading and threatening an elected official to find her the exact number of votes it would take to overturn the elections in that state and award its electoral votes to her? Remember how livid the Republican Party was at this blatant, seditious subversion of democracy and its attempt to nullify over 80 million votes?

 

Remember all that? Both sides!

 

What did I miss?

Hey, everybody! I’m a time traveler from late 2019. I’ve jumped forward a year in time to test out my new time machine. What did I miss from 2020?

 

I left my timeline on Dec. 31, 2019. Everyone was gathered together at house parties and crowded bars, saying goodbye to the teens and ringing in the ‘20s. What an exciting time! I set the time machine for one year, and I just arrived in your era last night.

 

And I must say, I’m … a little confused. The first thing I did was turn on the New Year’s Eve Times Square shows (on a TV that was disappointingly not much more advanced than it was in 2019). Everything seemed very subdued. People were wearing those purple and yellow Planet Fitness hats but they were penned in small groups in these little dividers. I guess the organizers just wanted to give people more space in a more luxurious experience.

 

It must have been very cold in New York City because people had these little masks over their faces. Fashion sure has evolved in the year I missed. Cyndi Lauper was wearing some sort of face shield. Was she just coming from her shift as a welder, or is this some fashion statement I don’t understand? She always was a little unusual.

 

People were singing these weepy songs like “Imagine,” like they were comforting or coddling people. Come on, people—where’s the party? It was so quiet when the ball dropped as 2020 gave way to 2021. Maybe everybody was in bed.

 

Then this morning, I peruse the internet (on a laptop that was disappointingly not much more advanced than in 2019) and everybody is into this face mask fad. But they’re wearing them not just in cold areas but Florida and California. Did everyone have some sort of maxillofacial surgery?

 

People in your decade seem to be waiting in long lines for so many things. New iPhone maybe? What model are they up to by now, 15? At first I was worried there was some sort of scarcity, but then I heard everyone is getting $600 and may be getting $2,000, so I guess the economy is doing great if the government can afford that kind of largesse. What a relief!

 

I heard there was a lot of talk about Trump not accepting the results of the election. It seems Joe Biden beat him pretty soundly. That’s odd; I thought for sure Beto would have won.

 

I look further online to see what I missed in 2020. A lot more parents have turned to home schooling their kids. Apparently Washington state has a new football team with an unimaginative name and logo. There was also something last year called … Quibi? Rudy Giuliani’s hair dye didn’t hold up so well. The Four Seasons seems to have been very popular, but I can’t tell if it’s the hotel or the ‘60s group.

 

Wait—Chadwick Boseman died? What the hell?!

 

You know what: I don’t think I’m staying in 2021. I don’t know if I want any part in what you people have been up to in the last year. I think I’ll reset the time machine for 2030 and see if everything has blown over by then. Good luck, everybody.

 

(No, you can’t come with me.)