Michael Seaver vs. Carol Seaver for the Soul of Gay America

I am exhausted. The circles under my eyes are as dark as sin. I am disoriented and feel as if I’m walking through plastic wrap.

The reason for this is that I have spent many sleepless nights recently worrying about what Kirk Cameron thinks of me and my gay relationship.

Kirk Cameron’s opinion in this matter is very valuable to me and so I was devastated to learn that he is opposed to gay marriage and finds the gays to be destructive to the foundations of civilization. When I heard this, I wept and when the sunlight caught my tears, they made little rainbow prisms. And I hated myself for that.

I took a long, hard look in the mirror after that. Is Kirk right? Does my very existence destabilize the bedrock upon which society is built? When Steve and I marry, will our union be just another sign of mankind descending into total chaos and sin?

Maybe Steve and I should have a long talk about our future. I had thought the fact that we are two people in love who want to spend the rest of our lives together would be a sufficient argument in favor of our marriage but the opinion of Kirk Cameron carries a lot of weight and just washes away many of the arguments I could make. I just don’t know if I can go on without the approval of the star of Growing Pains. His rejection wounds me like a score of arrows wounded St. Sebastian.

The opinions of celebrities on social and political issues are very important to me, particularly the opinions of ‘80s sitcom stars. Does Tina Yothers support healthcare reform? What does Rick Schroeder think of Iran’s nuclear program? Is Tiffany Brissette in favor of the Virginia ultrasound law? I wait with bated breath to get their insights because they shape my opinions.

All over the country, gays and lesbians are standing in front of full-length mirrors and asking, “Is TV’s Mike Seaver right?” I don’t know, guys. Maybe it would be best for the country if I entered into a passionless marriage with a woman. We would both end up miserable and possibly screw up our kids but society at large would be safe. And Kirk Cameron would breathe easier.

But wait … suddenly I find reassurance. Cameron’s co-star, Tracey Gold, has weighed in supporting gay people. This validates me more than any logical or emotional argument in favor of the gay community ever could. I will cancel that ominous chat with Steve and continue picking out china patterns.

And so, as one Growing Pains star threatened to derail all I hold dear, another Growing Pains star has upheld my principles. Circle of life, my friends. Circle of life.