Sports Calculus

I loosely follow playoffs after Philadelphia teams are out of the race but then it becomes a calculus to figure out whom to root against. There are many factors that go into this decision: Teams that are rivals of Philly teams, teams that knocked my teams out of the playoffs in the past and teams I just don’t like or are sick of hearing about. So I’m going to make a formula and figure out who I should root for and who I should hate in the baseball postseason. I realize this will be outdated since teams have been eliminated but hindsight can be just as fun.

 

Atlanta Braves. They are the worst and I take pleasure in seeing them flame out in the postseason. I was proud that the Phillies had a part in their demise in 2011 by sweeping a series that meant nothing to them but was the stake through the Braves’ heart. Remember last year when the Braves lost the play-in wild card and there was some controversial call and fans threw their trash onto the field? That was great! I will always actively root against this team. I dread when the Phillies play them in Atlanta because of that embarrassing tomahawk chop. A cheer should be rousing but the Braves’ cheer sounds like the keening of a widow at a graveyard.

 

Cleveland Indians and Pittsburgh Pirates. I wanted a World Series between these two. I have no problem with these teams. Christ, just give it to one of them already. Their fan bases have earned it.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers. I have a little residual annoyance for this team because they were a rival for the Phillies in ’08 and ’09 but they were not much trouble to dispatch so I’m over it. I remember being really annoyed by the fawning over Manny Ramirez and the deeply embarrassing “Mannywood” outfield corner the Dodgers painted for him. I’m not swayed by the argument against teams with high payrolls. Some people sniff at this and say, “They’re trying to buy a championship.” No, they’re trying to spend enough to attract quality players to win one. Baseball is still a business no matter how much we pretend it’s an endless matinee of Field of Dreams.

 

Boston Red Sox. Meh. I’ve stopped caring. However, I will say that if the Red Sox end up losing, we’ll be subjected to another Bill Simmons column that tries to scientifically prove that Bostonians feel sports-related pain more acutely than anybody else. Yes, nobody else can understand the pain of losing like you. You are all special. Please continue to marinate in your disappointment and go on and on and on about it. They can also dial back that “Red Sox Nation” nonsense. It’s a region. Every team has a diaspora of fans and you are not the exception.

 

Detroit Tigers. I’m fine with them. I wouldn’t mind seeing the Tigers win the World Series.

 

St. Louis Cardinals. Can’t stand them. Oh, but how can I hate a team that plays in America’s Heartland, where folks (people are always “folks” in the Midwest) skip through fields of grain as pies cool softly on the windowsill? They have the Best Fans in Baseball! And they play in Baseball Heaven! And la-dee-da-dee-da! The aura of smugness and humblebragging surrounding the Cardinals media and fans is thick enough to choke me. Drew Magary said it best: http://deadspin.com/why-your-cardinals-suck-1443513646 . I’m also not a fan of teams that parlay a mediocre season into a wild card slot and win the World Series, which St. Louis has done twice now. They’re “meh” for 162 games and then get on an 11-game hot streak and there’s a reward and it doesn’t seem fair. Just. GO. AWAY.

 

So based on my calculus, who do I want to win? Nobody, because I am bitter and don’t like any team but mine.