The Cruelest Way to End the National Spelling Bee

On a stage in a high school auditorium, two 14-year-olds compete in the National Spelling Bee. They are the crème de la crème, the only two left standing.

National Spelling Bee Board Member 1: Your word is “stichomythia.”

Jimmy: Stichomythia. S-T-I-C-H-O-M-Y-T-H-I-A. Stichomythia.

Board Member 1: Correct. Sally, your word is “feuilleton.”

Sally: Feuilleton. F-E-U-I-L-L-E-T-O-N. Feuilleton.

Board Member 2: Excellent. Now, since we have two contestants left, here is the final word: “they’re.” Jimmy?

Jimmy: But … there’s more than one … can you use it in a sentence?

Board Member 1: No.

Jimmy: OK … there. T-H-E-R-E. There.

A jarring buzzer sounds.

Board Member 2: Sorry. That was incorrect. You are eliminated.

Jimmy’s face crumbles and he runs off stage, choking back tears.

Board Member 1: Sally? Your turn.

Sally: Um … their. T-H-E-I-R. Their?

A jarring buzzer sounds.

Board Member 3: I’m afraid not. We were actually looking for “they’re.” T-H-E-Y-apostrophe-R-E. 

Sally trudges off stage, looking shell-shocked.

Board Member 3: Now, since we have eliminated both contestants, I declare that there is no winner of the 2014 National Spelling Bee. In accordance with the bylaws, the $75,000 in scholarship money will be distributed among the board members.

Board Member 1 (speaking slowly, in patronizing voice): Remember, children, keep your homonyms straight. Do you know … what a homonym is?

The audience begins to riot. The board members flee for their lives.