The gay male community is a zoo. You can be a bear, an otter, a pup, a
cub. There are subtypes also, like a polar bear or panda bear. This can all be
confusing but since I have always felt a deep need to shove myself into the most
specific subculture possible, I’m trying to determine which animal I most
closely resemble. I turned to some website (“some website” — a term that
automatically confers authority) and did some soul searching to figure out in
which section of the gay zoo I belong.
The bear seems to be the most commonly referenced subculture. This
is your larger, hairier, more masculine gay man. I’m not sure I entirely fit in
here. The biggest difference between typical bears and me is that they have
facial hair and while I can grow a beard quickly, I will never do so. Being
clean-shaven would certainly set me apart in a room of bears.
As for masculinity, I can’t take an objective look at myself so I don’t
know how masculine I am. I guess it’s a mix: I like watching sports and I like
watching Madonna videos. I get the impression most bears could pass as straight
but overall, I don’t think I can.
There are
some subtypes of bears:
Muscle bears: Body size is a function
of muscle and not body fat (I tend to take the shape of my container)
Polar bears: Older bear with gray/white
hair on face and most of body (I am turning into this)
Sugar bears: Effeminate bears that are
shunned by masculine bears (I have never felt shunned)
Overall, I don’t think I’m a bear,
although I share some characteristics with the ursine.
This brings
us to the otter. According to some website, an otter “would be considered a thin gay
male …” Let me stop you right there and say I am not an otter.
Moving on to the next cage at the gay zoo, a cub is a younger (or
younger-looking) guy who is huskier and heavier. Beards are not required. I fit
the “husky” part of that but not the “younger.” Maybe I was once a cub but it
seems time has passed me by and a hard hibernation is ahead.
Now a wolf is muscular, lean gay man who is sexually aggressive.
This is not my tribe. We have already nixed the lean and muscular part and I am
nixing the sexually aggressive part as well. Since my husband and I have been
together over a decade, it’s been some time since I’ve felt the need to be on
the prowl like some kind of lupine creature of the night. Even when I was
single, I was not aggressive and hampered by a lack of self-confidence.
Puppies are cute! In the gay scene, a pup is a guy in his late
teens or early 20s who doesn’t have a lot of experience in the scene and is
naïve, energetic and cute (hint: like a puppy). That ship sailed long ago. I
don’t even think I was a pup when I was a pup, if you know what I mean.
Just to illustrate the rainbow Venn diagram for you, as the website says,
“Pups are similar
to cubs except pups are not involved in the bear community and likely do not
even know this community exists within the larger gay spectrum.” Now you know.
Onto the next section of the zoo. While I am a Taurus, I
don’t think I am a bull. The article
I read describes the bulls as muscular bodybuilders, weighing 215 to 300
pounds. I have no muscle tone and while I might get into this weight range if I
eat a few more Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos, it wouldn’t quite be in the flattering way
they mean.
Sigh. I don’t even think I’m an optimistic red velvet walrus, like Max on Happy Endings.
So where do I fit in? Maybe we need a genetic hybrid just
for me. Maybe they can breed a bear that is hairy everywhere but its face, or
we can combine an otter with a cub and throw in a little duck DNA just to mix
it up a little. Maybe someday science will advance to the point where it can
tell me who I really am.
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