Dumbphone Hell

Having to use a 10-year-old cell phone is hell. Absolute hell. M*A*S*H war-is-hell hell. Devils-with-pitchforks-tossing-you-lovingly-to-and-fro hell. This is the lesson learned by a writer for Gizmodo who decided to (WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT) torture herself by using the abacus-esque Motorola Razr phone for a month. In 2014.

I can feel her pain, although mine will not dissipate after a mere month. Mine burns forever. I don’t have a smartphone. A few years ago, when my (HUMILIATING) 2005 flip phone died, I went to the AT&T store and asked them to sell me the cheapest phone they had. It’s just … a phone. I’m not sure what it’s called but it’s black and says “AT&T” on it and has buttons with numbers on them and an on/off switch.

Why don’t I own a smartphone? I’m not a Luddite; I just don’t care. I don’t see a reason to spend money I don’t have on something I don’t need. True, there are times I wish I could have apps and experience what other people experience, but I don’t feel like I’m missing too much in the long run. I may not always be in reach of my email or Facebook (you probably don’t want me to have to that since there would be more complaining blogs) but you can still text or call me. But don’t call me because it’s the worst thing in the world to have to call someone and checking my messages is a very onerous process that I can’t bring myself to do.

Still, I have some survival tips for this Gizmodo writer as she tries to navigate Dante’s lowest circle with technology that even the Neanderthals snicker at.

This woman found out that without the help of map apps, she can’t navigate that well. She could just go to a laptop and get directions and print them but uuuuugggghhhhh. Here’s what I do: I just find directions online and print them and take them with me. I partially memorize them so I have a good idea of where I’m going and don’t have to take my eyes off the road much to check them. But she doesn’t have a printer so now what? Here’s another hint: You can actually take the onscreen directions and copy them onto paper using a pen. Paper and pen? Who am I, Woodrow Wilson? Fewer people write things by hand nowadays but writing supplies are still cheap and readily available at Staples, CVS, Walgreen’s, Rite Aid, Office Max, Target, Wal-Mart, Acme, Pathmark, Duane Reade, Office Depot, Wawa, 7-Eleven, FedEx/Kinko’s, Giant, Hallmark, Shoprite, regional drug stores and supermarkets or various mom and pop stationery stores or you can write on the back of some junk mail and get some pens from your workplace for free. So that’s an option.

Navigation is only the beginning of your problems when you don’t have a smartphone. But it’s not all gloom and doom. It’s a grueling challenge but if you really buckle down like I did, you can find a way to live. It may not be the most glamorous or convenient existence but you’ll still be living. And in this workaday world, that’s something.

Sent from my ENIAC