Extra! Extra!

What would be the busiest, most newsworthy day ever? I was letting my mind wander and think of this recently. What would it look like if several monumentally important events occurred in the same day? What if there were almost too much news for one day and big stories, which in other days would lead every front page, were relegated to page 16A? Here’s a list of hypothetical huge things that could happen all at once.

The president of the United States is indicted for embezzling billions of dollars from federal funds meant for children. The president resigns in a burst of vile profanity during a perp walk on live television.

The pope dies during mass.

In Omaha, a train crashes into a nuclear power plant and scientists barely manage to prevent a meltdown.

A 7.2 earthquake in China causes billions in damages.

Keith Richards gets hit by Paul McCartney’s limo but miraculously survives.

The vice president is caught red-handed having a kinky affair with a Supreme Court justice.

The king or queen of England abdicates the throne, with the last words to the nation being, “You people disgust me.”

Scientists discover a foolproof cure for cancer.

A stage at a festival concert collapses, badly injuring Adele, Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande.

The Golden Gate Bridge inexplicably turns silver.

The last episode of The Simpsons airs, drawing the largest TV audience of all time, 1.4 billion viewers.

They finally find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.

Philip Michael Thomas gets the last award he needs for his EGOT.

The Cubs win the World Series.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa finally falls over.

The government reveals irrefutable evidence of intelligent life in our solar system.

Congress repeals the Fourth Amendment.

Wow, that would be one newsworthy day.