Support Group

I have mixed feelings about the adoption support group we go to. It’s good to get a preview from other parents of the problems we may have to face once we’ve been placed with a child. It’s also good to get involved with the support the agency offers and get some encouragement.

On the other hand, I listen to some of the parents speak and think, “Some people have real problems.” After all, a lot of the people in the group are there because they’re searching for answers to real issues. Kids in foster care, especially the older ones, had a life before adoption. Some of their parents describe the horrible abuse they discover their kids went through before they even knew their kids. The parents are upset and searching for answers and then I feel bad because I can’t offer them any answers because I don't know what it’s like yet.

What they’re going through in the act of actual parenting seems unbalanced compared to what we’re going through in the process. I think going to the group when we can is good overall but after hearing about these excruciating dilemmas adoptive parents have with their kids, what am I going to complain about—“Waiting is hard”?

It’s been a year since we officially started the search and it has been hard on us. We’ve focused on a few kids but those prospects have fallen through for various reasons, and we’ve had to go back to the drawing board again. We’ve also had some meetings and conference calls regarding other kids and we’re cautiously optimistic. You hear things like “It’ll happen” but who the hell knows? There are no guarantees.

One good thing that comes out of it is that the other parents and the agency people encourage us not to give up. There was never a possibility that I would be giving up. I’m not happy that we’re still waiting, stuck in this weirdly airless space between hope and despair, but at least there’s a possibility of happiness. If we give up, I’ll definitely be unhappy and I’m not willing to accept that.