Come on in, Amazon!

Christmas shopping season is starting and I don’t know about everybody else, but I’m chomping at the bit to give Amazon delivery people access to our house with the Amazon Key program! Come on in, stranger!

With this new program, all I have to do is buy a combination smart camera and smart lock for just $250. Then I don’t have to worry about someone swiping my stuff from the front step while I’m not home. I can just let a delivery person unlock my door and leave the package inside. Goodbye, potential for theft!

I just don’t see any downside to this or any way that this could backfire. I assume the people delivering my packages have been vetted with a thoroughness that the CIA would envy, and there’s no risk of anybody poking around my things or casing my possessions for later theft. This is a brilliant plan on the part of Amazon. I no longer have to risk somebody stealing my $10 CD from between my doors, which is good, because the company absolutely and famously refuses to replace any lost or broken item for any reason.

No, the idea of someone breaking in doesn’t bother me in the slightest because I was raised on the set of The Andy Griffith Show. We didn’t actually have a word in out language for “crime” back then. You never locked your door! We didn’t even have locks on our doors. Or even keys or actual doors.

Where can I send my $250 to get started? Black Friday is a few days away but I’d like strangers to have access to my home now.