How hard will I cry?

The scene is a coffee shop, where several people are discussing the Mr. Rogers biopic, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

David: I haven’t seen it yet. How hard will I cry?

Jonathan: Oh God, Tom Hanks just walks onto the Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood set and tosses his shoe and I’m already sobbing. Sobbing. Like Toni-Braxton-in-the-shower bawling my head off.

Joanne: You will cry. If you are human, you will cry. If you do not cry at this movie, I do not want anything to do with you.

David: Wow. Sounds emotional.

Jonathan: Tom Hanks. That’s (choking up) … that’s all.

Joanne (choking up): Yeah. Tom Hanks. That scene on the subway, I just …

Jonathan (mumbles incoherently through tears):

Joanne: … when they all start singing “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” I was wailing. Just thinking about my own life. I was on my second box of tissues by then.

David: Wow. Two boxes.

Jonathan: That’s nothing. I attended a special screening in a Kleenex factory just so I wouldn’t run out of tissues. My mascara ran, and I don’t even wear mascara.

Joanne: You think you were emotional? I can’t even deal with the sound (starts crying again) of a trolley anymore. That clanging, I just (breaks down in sobs) …

Jonathan: I know. I was even worse. I saw a cardigan sweater in Target the other day and I got so emotional, I almost hyperventilated. Fred (sniffles) … Fred …

David: That’s … a lot.

Jonathan: And don’t get me started on the Emmys.

Joanne: The 1997 Emmys? When Mr. Rogers told people to (unable to go on) …

Jonathan (weeping openly): To take a moment to think about the people (voice rises two octaves due to emotion) in their lives? I can’t take it.

Joanne: I re-watched it on YouTube recently … (pauses to blow nose) and I just … well, let’s just say I make an emergency therapy appointment.

David: So I guess I’ll prepare myself for a lot of tears?

Jonathan (wailing angrily): Tears? Tears? I cried so hard, I still need this IV to keep myself hydrated. (Pulls out an IV bag from under the table.) You will cry. As God is my witness, if a soul lies within you, the tears will flow.

Everyone in the coffee shop stands and applauds the performance.