Spring in Elsmere

Ahhh … spring in the bucolic hamlet of Elsmere. It’s a time when you can open your windows to the feel of a balmy breeze and take in the sounds of nature that the winter shut out. It’s also a time when you can hear all the cars with dysfunctional engines and people walking around having loud conversations.

The latest thing in our neighborhood is the kid walking around with a shopping cart. Those wheels sure do make a pleasant noise on the blacktop while I’m trying to watch TV. I believe pushing around a shopping cart when you’re nowhere near a store is the international symbol for “white trash.” There should be a sign with a silhouette of someone pushing a cart in a residential neighborhood to indicate this.

I don’t understand why people take so long to fix their cars. All winter someone was driving around a car with some kind of fucked up engine or transmission so even through the closed windows, we would hear this automotive whine that was just unhealthy. We haven’t heard that noise in awhile so I guess it’s fixed but the other night there was a minivan with bad brakes. It woke me up and in my half-asleep state, it sounded like a drunk driver in an out of control car screeching down the street and all I could think of was it would hit Steve’s parked car. Luckily, it was just someone who put off repairs to the car. Our block isn’t long enough to lose control of your car and screech out of control.

That’s why it kills me when people gun the engine between stop signs on our short block: They have to slam on their brakes in 50 feet anyway. Our block is a dead end at one end and at the other end it starts going one way so everyone has to turn. It’s impossible not to slow down. They’re not accomplishing anything but wasting gas so what’s the point?

When it was warm in March and I slept with the windows open, a fun loud conversation woke me up. Some girl was standing on the corner sobbing and screeching into her phone about how she didn’t know where she was. I guess someone had dropped her off in an unfamiliar neighborhood and she didn’t know where to tell the person on the other end to pick her up. I guess this was annoying but was there any reason to have a meltdown? There are ways to find out where you are. We have street signs and the firehouse is in walking distance and they will tell you where you are. We are part of civilization. It’s not like someone locked her in the trunk and dropped her off in the middle of the desert.

The high-volume fun is not limited to spring. Last winter they were doing utility work down the street in the middle of the night. It didn’t appear to be an emergency so there was no reason to do anything that late. I didn’t hear it but it kept Steve up. Luckily it was only one night because if they continued, I would have marched down the street in my pajamas and tell them I’d call the cops for making noise so late. We do have noise ordinances. Even if they had permission to do so, I was mad enough that I wanted to make their work night a little more inconvenient.

Nothing beats last spring’s open-window late-night spectacle. Someone up the street backed his truck into his shed and destroyed it. I awoke to a loud cracking noise and could hear all my neighbors saying “what the hell” from their houses. What killed me was even once this guy realized he hit something, he kept going until he was in his parking spot. His daughter came out and yelled at him and he said, “I never had any use for the shed anyway.” They took it down the next day.

God, I can’t wait til we close the windows and turn on the central air.

I had the most athletic dream

I dreamed I was drafted as the new quarterback for the Steelers. We were in some kind of warehouse and there were coaches and such all around so there was no doubt that it was the actual Pittsburgh Steelers and not just some JV team with the same name.

There were these plastic trays, the kind on which you stack bread and buns, and the trays were piled very high. The trays all collapsed and people got their necks stuck in the holes, like seals with six-pack rings wrapped around their necks. I calmly removed the trays from people’s necks.

Anyway, the quarterback thing. They were trying to find me a uniform and helmet with my number. I was running around in my underwear until they did. I practiced a few football moves in the warehouse.

This is the most far-fetched dream I’ve ever had because I am not an athlete, not even a little bit. I don’t think I’ve played football since touch football some time in grade school. I will watch sports until the cows come home but I am completely incapable of playing them.

The last time I had to do an organized athletic event was years ago at a company picnic when we played baseball. I was reluctant but did it. I am exceedingly uncomfortable with that sort of thing. It’s why I run on the treadmill in our basement and not outside. I don’t want anyone to see me.

The only sports I ever did as a kid were swimming and Little League. I was an OK swimmer but never learned how to dive (still can’t) so I would jump in the pool and never actually won anything. In baseball, I played right field and would swing at every pitch. The only time I made it to first base was after getting hit by a pitch.

I am incapable of throwing anything to people. Here’s a typical scene …

You (from 10 feet away): Just throw the car keys to me.

Me: Oh … uh … alright …

Brian throws the keys and they fall into the sewer grate, lost forever. They have no way home from the campsite.

This is why I assume the dream Steelers season was 0-16 and they ran me out of Pittsburgh on a rail.

Can’t talk now. Too busy looking at tuxes and wedding cakes.

So I’m happy that President Obama supports gay marriage but also cautious. It’s reassuring to know that, whatever actual influence the president has on state laws, someone in high office has your back. On the other hand, this could turn into a shitstorm before the election, since Mitt Romney opposes gay marriage.

Of course, Obama could have condemned gay marriage, which would have been a source of despair. So it could have been worse.

I am dreading the prospect of gay marriage turning into a tornado of discussion for the next six months. This isn’t just a political issue for us; so many aspects of life hinge on whether or not we can marry. Marriage or civil union affects practical issues like end of life decisions, inheritance and taxation and also intangible issues like the pride of being able to call someone your husband.

This is why it kills me when people argue that gay marriage would destroy the country or whatever. It has no tangible or intangible effect whatsoever on people if Steve and I, who have been in a relationship for almost a decade, want to declare our vows on the beach in Rehoboth. However, if we are barred from doing that, it would definitely have a harmful effect on us. What do you want us to do, cancel everything? I don’t know what to tell ya.

Anyway, that’s why I say, if you are opposed to gay marriage, then don’t marry someone of the same sex, but don’t forbid me from doing so. People argue about protecting the institution of marriage and that’s noble. But being in your own marriage or relationship is enough work that we all have our hands full trying to protect our own unions without worrying about anyone else’s. If we all just worried about strengthening our own bonds, and didn’t worry about the Joneses, then maybe the world really would be a better place. In other words, there’s no need to Save Marriage. Just save your marriage.

I’m wary of this issue, which is so personal, becoming a political football but I suppose I should get in line with everybody else to complain. Pretty much every personal issue, from civil rights to religious freedom to reproductive issues, has been a political football. So I’ll join the club.

The ultimate sign of progress is that we’re able to have a civil union. To people who are opposed to this, I guess I say, “Can’t talk now. Too busy looking at tuxes and wedding cakes.”

Is the Feel-Bad Era Back?

Are Philadelphia sports fans just negative by nature? Last weekend I was expressing my frustration with several of our local teams and Steve said something to the effect that I was pessimistic. I replied that I’m a Philly sports fan and this is just how we are since we’ve seen a bunch of crap over the decades. Maybe it’s just me being negative, which is part of my personality. (Sometimes when I’m a pessimist, events later prove me right.)

I’m trying to be positive here. All four teams have had relatively good runs since around 2000 and I’d like to remember that and keep the faith. After the Phillies won the 2008 World Series, I had thought the era of negativity was over because the albatross of not winning the big one was gone. But was that just a momentary reprieve from fans being Debbie Downers? Is the feel-bad era back?

I am trying to have faith in my Phillies but it has been a frustrating month. After five seasons at the top, it’s mortifying to be in last place. I know, I know: It’s early and it’s still a tight division. But the team just doesn’t look good. I was especially disgusted with Monday and Tuesday night’s games with the way they blew leads. The team used to have regular late-inning comebacks but now they just roll over. I can be positive and join people in hoping that the return of Chase Utley and Ryan Howard will right the ship but I think management is foolish if that’s their strategy. People forget that when Utley comes back, we’ll still be getting back a player with two chronically bad knees. I really hope Howard and Utley hit one home run after another and make me look like an idiot but I just can’t look at this season with rose-colored glasses and assume they’ll win the division again just because they have since 2007.

At some point, the Phillies’ run will end. I believe they’ve changed the culture in that now players want to come here, so the team won’t ever be mired in the basement in the National League East forever, like they were for periods of time in the past. I think they’ll be in contention for some years to come but we have to face the fact that they won’t win the division for 20 years in a row.

And I think I’d be OK with that. It would hurt to see this run end eventually but I’ve been a Phillies fan for as long as I can remember so I certainly won’t stop if the division titles stop. I went to a lot of games at the Vet when nobody was even considering they would make the playoffs so I’ve seen worse than this and still managed to root for them.

I’m irritated with several of our other teams. Last season was the first in many years that I felt like I wasted my time with the Eagles. There were no playoffs and even though in previous years they didn’t go all the way, I at least had some fun memories for my troubles. There were no memorable games last year, unless you count all the catastrophes. I don’t have much technical knowledge so I don’t know how to fix the team but I also have no faith at all anymore in the Eagles’ management, especially not after that farce where Jeff Lurie said everything about Andy Reid’s performance was “unacceptable” and he still retained him. If my job review said “unacceptable” 17 times, I’d expect to be fired at the end.

Even if a team doesn’t win the playoffs, you can look back on your memories and smile. Despite their season-ender last night, there were plenty of fun moments of what I saw of the Flyers’ season so I feel it was worthwhile. I also was disappointed at how the Phillies’ season ended last year but it was very enjoyable regular season so I tried to focus on that. Still, it’s awful when your team goes out of the playoffs early, especially when you look back through the years and see how often it’s happened. You follow them for months and they climb almost to the top and then get knocked off the ladder. Then you have to start the slog all over again the next year. I was livid when the Phillies lost the NLDS because they excelled over 162 games, had the best record in baseball and couldn’t score one lousy run in the final game.

One thought that really gets me is this: In my adult life, exactly one of our team’s seasons has worked out: The 2008 Phillies. All the other teams have played in their respective finals but since I was 9 years old, the Phillies have been the only ones to seal the deal. It’s enough to depress a fan if he dwells on it.

So I guess I shouldn’t dwell on it. I should take the games for what they’re meant to be: Games that are a pleasurable way to fill a lazy summer afternoon or a snowed-in winter night. I don’t want to go back to being the typical Philadelphia sports cynic who assumes that disaster is always around the corner and that my team will blow it in the end.

MCA, where have you been? Packed like sardines in the tin

Adam “MCA” Yauch’s death was really a depressing piece of news. The Beastie Boys had always seemed so young to me since their music was full of vitality, making it startling to see one of them die at the (really, still young) age of 47.

I have been a Beastie Boys fan for years. This is a little out of character for me since I have never been a hip hop fan. I’m not sure why but I never really got into that genre. Maybe it’s because I miss the singing or because hip hop hit its stride after my tastes had already been firmly cemented. I’m not sure what about the trio appealed to me. Perhaps it’s the diversity of their material and the way they can blend hip hop with genres like rock like in my favorite track, “So What’cha Want.”

I suppose I’m not a super fan as I don’t have all their studio albums and there are a few songs that I only have because of greatest hits collections. I was not a fan in the beginning as I still don’t care for “Fight for Your Right.” It’s just too meathead for me and even though the Beasties were being sarcastic, it’s still not my thing. I remember when Paul’s Boutique came out but didn’t appreciate the insane density of its sampling. (Recently I heard “Shake Your Rump” on vinyl at the bar 1984 and it struck me again how that indescribable distortion effect in the song can fill the entire room and sound like the biggest thing in the world.)

What I find really fun about their songs is some of the clever rhymes and metaphors. These encompass things as diverse and weird as “Sam the Butcher” from the Brady Bunch, Chateau Neuf du Pap and rhyming “malaria” with “take care of ya.”

I came into Beastie Boys fandom rather late in 1998 with the release of Hello Nasty. It’s still one of my favorite albums; playful and colorful and cartoonish. I’m not sure what it is but I’ve always loved the opening salvo of “Super Disco Breakin’”/“The Move”/“Remote Control”/“Song for the Man”/“Just a Test” and “Body Movin’” culminating in the all-over-the-place “Intergalactic.” This opening of the album is like a suite where all the songs are in their own mini-genre but fit together anyway. Or maybe they’re just fun songs that bring me pleasure and there’s no need for further analysis.

The Beastie Boys have left me with one indelible memory. To this day, the opening notes of “Super Disco Breakin’” remind me of being at the shore house in the summer of 1998. Hello Nasty was brand new then and we played the album over and over again. This was before iPods so we had to actually put on the whole CD, which is probably what got me to appreciate the flow of the first seven tracks. Everybody at the house loved that album so nobody minded hearing it on a loop.

And with Yauch gone, as it is when any figure from your youth dies, you realize none of those people is getting any younger and neither are you. It’s a fact of life and the only thing you can do is keep listening to the music those people left us with and let it take you back in time a bit and make you smile.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome your Philadelphia Fly76ers!

The scene is the locker room of the Wells Fargo Center where the Flyers are preparing for game 2 of the Eastern Conference semifinals. Suddenly, in walk the 76ers.

Danny Briere: Can we help you?

Evan Turner: Yeah, we’re … we’re getting ready for game 2. What are you guys doing here?

Elton Brand: This is May 1, right?

Briere: Yeah, and we’re playing at 7:30. Flyers-Devils, game 2.

Turner: So are we, 7:30 tonight. I just saw the Bulls’ bus pull into the parking lot.

Claude Giroux: Wonderful. Just wonderful. What now?

Enter Flyers coach Peter Laviolette and Sixers coach Doug Collins, along with a scheduling assistant from the Wells Fargo Center.

Peter Laviolette: What the fuck?

Doug Collins: Not again. I thought we had this all scheduled out. (To assistant) You said the Flyers were in New Jersey tonight so we’d play the Bulls at home.

Scheduling Assistant: That’s right because the Flyers were … oh, wait … (shuffles papers) I was looking at the spreadsheet for game 3 …

Laviolette: This is fucking bullshit. Can’t anybody do anything right? What the fuck are we supposed to do now?

Collins: We have no choice, Lavy. The Sixers and the Flyers are just going to have to play (jump chord) at the same time.

The Wells Fargo staff goes to work. Over the next three hours, they somehow create a hybrid stadium: Half ice, half hardwood court. The stands are filled with people wearing T-shirts and jerseys of four professional sports teams. Half the fans’ seats are occupied by fans of the other sport and those who cannot get seats angrily crowd the steps. Shortly before 7:30, team introductions begin.

Flyers Announcer and 76ers Announcer (simultaneously): Ladies and gentlemen, welcome your Philadelphia Fly76ers!

Both teams move into their respective positions. Then the Bulls crowd next to the Sixers on the court and the Devils cram into half an ice rink. The players look very confused and angry. Tip off begins at the same time as the puck drops. The Flyers skate around but go a little too far off the ice, which results in Wayne Simmonds skating onto the basketball court. His skates tear up the wood and he crashes into Jrue Holiday, who is in the middle of passing the ball. Knocked off course, Holiday’s ball careens all the way across the ice and gets past goalie Martin Brodeur to score. The goal horn sounds momentarily but is cut off. Flyers fans cheer but then stop with an audible “huh?” The referees of both sports take the court/ice.

Referee: According to the rules, a basketball cannot count as a goal. However, the Bulls will get a free throw.

All Philadelphia fans scream. The Zamboni comes out in confusion and starts refreshing the ice and polishing the floor.

Broadcaster: In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like this, folks. This is worse than when they double-booked the Vet for the 1980 World Series and Mike Schmidt’s home run hit Ron Jaworski in the head!

Hello?

Yeah, I bought a new phone. Mine finally, finally died, like the Strom Thurmond of cell phones. Steve could not hear me at all when I called him, even though I could hear him fine, so the time was right to buy a new phone.

When I told the saleswoman I wanted a new phone, she asked if I was eligible for an upgrade. “Am I ever,” I said, and pulled out my vintage 2005 phone. Oh, how they laughed. They laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I went right to the display area of the cheap phones and ended up getting just a basic cell phone. It will both make and receive calls and I can text with it. The only visible improvement over the old model was a camera, which the old phone did not have. I’m on the same old plan I was on before. The new model is free after a rebate.

I have no need for a smart phone. First off, I really can’t afford it. I could probably score a cheap smart phone somewhere but I’m not paying for some data plan. I just don’t need another monthly bill. There might be some situation where it would come in handy to be online at any time but it just isn’t worth it for me. If I had to check for some important email, that would be worth a data plan but why bother otherwise? I spend hours a day online so I honestly think I’ve run out of locations to go to.

I just place no importance whatsoever on cell phones. The smart phone revolution is like everyone else is laughing at some joke and I don’t get it and people explain it to me but I’m tone deaf (it was old but I can’t knock it because it served me well). That’s why I didn’t want to replace my 2005 phone until it died completely. Since the phone did stop functioning, I don’t think I can donate it. Nobody could hear me on the other end so I don’t want the phone to go to some women’s shelter and some poor woman calls 911 and nobody can hear her.

I also can’t wade through all the options and plans for phones. Maybe I’m just easily confused but it makes my head spin. I don’t want to donate all the brainpower to 3G and networks and carriers and data plans. Just give me a phone.

In general, I just don’t care about upgrading to the latest technology. I’ve used an iPad for work and it’s nice but it’s not my thing, not for the cost. I have my old iPod and there are newer models but I figure this one still has space left and still plays music so that’s all I need from it. Why replace it if it ain’t broke?

Nobody ever calls me anyway. (sad trombone)