I had the most athletic dream

I dreamed I was drafted as the new quarterback for the Steelers. We were in some kind of warehouse and there were coaches and such all around so there was no doubt that it was the actual Pittsburgh Steelers and not just some JV team with the same name.

There were these plastic trays, the kind on which you stack bread and buns, and the trays were piled very high. The trays all collapsed and people got their necks stuck in the holes, like seals with six-pack rings wrapped around their necks. I calmly removed the trays from people’s necks.

Anyway, the quarterback thing. They were trying to find me a uniform and helmet with my number. I was running around in my underwear until they did. I practiced a few football moves in the warehouse.

This is the most far-fetched dream I’ve ever had because I am not an athlete, not even a little bit. I don’t think I’ve played football since touch football some time in grade school. I will watch sports until the cows come home but I am completely incapable of playing them.

The last time I had to do an organized athletic event was years ago at a company picnic when we played baseball. I was reluctant but did it. I am exceedingly uncomfortable with that sort of thing. It’s why I run on the treadmill in our basement and not outside. I don’t want anyone to see me.

The only sports I ever did as a kid were swimming and Little League. I was an OK swimmer but never learned how to dive (still can’t) so I would jump in the pool and never actually won anything. In baseball, I played right field and would swing at every pitch. The only time I made it to first base was after getting hit by a pitch.

I am incapable of throwing anything to people. Here’s a typical scene …

You (from 10 feet away): Just throw the car keys to me.

Me: Oh … uh … alright …

Brian throws the keys and they fall into the sewer grate, lost forever. They have no way home from the campsite.

This is why I assume the dream Steelers season was 0-16 and they ran me out of Pittsburgh on a rail.