Oh come ON!

Is it appropriate in a courtroom for a judge or prosecutor or jury to yell “Oh come ON!” when the defense attorney offers a particularly ridiculous line of defense? If so, we’ll hear that outburst this week from the Jerry Sandusky trial when this happens: 

The defense is expected to call an expert witness to testify that Sandusky may have histrionic personality disorder, which the National Institutes of Health says describes people who act "in a very emotional and dramatic way that draws attention to themselves."

I might also add my own outburst: “Get the hell outta town!” When I heard in passing that the defense would argue that Sandusky has a personality disorder, I thought that disorder would be something to the effect of “Child Molester.” (I would also accept “Amoral.”) But really, Joe Amendola? That’s your defense? That your client is emotional and dramatic person? If that’s the best you have, get your client fitted for that jumpsuit. 

There are a lot of personality disorders that I do not doubt are real and can steer a person’s actions. These are things like borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia and I see no problem with defense attorneys invoking them as a way to explain criminal behavior. However, in Sandusky’s case, the argument basically boils down to: “My client is a drama queen.” 

So join the club. You know who else has histrionic personality disorder? Every single actor or performer in any artistic medium has it to one degree or another. Movie, TV and theater actors have it. Drag queens have it. Pop stars have it. “People with this personality disorder may also change emotions rapidly, overly dwell on physical appearance, and take criticism or disapproval sensitively,” reads one article I read on this. Yup, that accurately describes the atmosphere at just about every theater rehearsal I ever went to. At times it describes me. Hell, sometimes it describes our cats. Yet these people manage not to rape kids, which makes me think there’s some other kind of evil at work in Sandusky. 

While I’m at it, leave out any discussion of performers and that description of histrionic personalities can cover most people, period. Invoke the phrase “take criticism or disapproval sensitively” and you have just described The Entire World.

I don’t want to say histrionic personality disorder is not a real thing because it has clinical evidence. My question is, to what degree can you lessen an accused criminal’s culpability based on a personality disorder? If the defense presents evidence of a mental disorder, for which cases can the jury shrug and say “So?”

Sandusky is innocent until proven guilty but I’ve just been flabbergasted at how incompetent he and his defense team have been. I’m still stunned by the interview he did a few months ago where Bob Costas asked him if he were sexually attracted to children and Sandusky repeated the question rhetorically before weighing a response. Wouldn’t a normal person’s response be “NO!” followed by something to the effect of “EWW!”? I might also respond with “Oh come ON!”

White House Impossible: The Big Reveal

Robert Irvine (voice over): While my renovation crew is working hard to make over the restaurant the White House in Washington, DC, I’m going to have a few words with the co-manager, Michelle’s husband Barack.

President Obama: Hello, Robert. Thanks for coming.

Irvine: Thank you for having me. I’d like to talk to you about how you’re running this restaurant. Your wife has told me that you’re not around that much since your other job takes you away so much.

Obama (confused): Uh … we delegate dining-related tasks to our staff.

Irvine: That’s no way to run a restaurant and it has to change if this place is going to be a success. You have got to start making a commitment to being in this dining room every day. You need to be visible if someone needs you. Your place is here.

Obama: So you think my priority should be … the dining room?

Irvine: Exactly. Barack … can I call you Barack?

Obama: No. No you cannot.

Irvine: You need to show up on time every day and throw yourself completely into making this place a success.

The president gives Irvine a look and walks away. Irvine walks into the White House dining room. Instead of stately white walls with gold crown molding, the outside walls have a black silhouette of the White House with the words “White House” in white in a garish font. The inside smells slightly of sawdust and paint. Irvine greets head builder Tom Bury.

Irvine: Hey. Did you sleep OK?

Bury (smirking): Eventually.

Irvine: I really like these walls.

Bury: Thanks. I wanted to get rid of the plain look of this room so we decided to install strips of turquoise and fuchsia tiles. I think the color contrast really gives the room an extra spark.

Irvine: And I’m loving these booths and high top tables. The bright yellow and purple paisley upholstery really pops.

Bury: Much better than that stuffy old long dining room table. We thought we would surprise people with color — a White House restaurant that’s anything but white inside. And look at these photos on the wall.

Irvine: Very nice. A big improvement over those old paintings. What are these, close-ups of buildings?

Bury: Apartment buildings and motels. We thought we’d get shots of the local city landscape. We also got rid of those stuffy chandeliers.

Irvine: Oh, I like these lights, too. I never would have thought of making hanging lamps from mag lights and birdcages. Well, let’s let the managers in.

Irvine goes outside and greets the president and first lady, who look annoyed and confused. They close their eyes and walk in.

Irvine: Are you ready for a new beginning for the White House? (Silence) Open your eyes.

Mrs. Obama (deadpan): Oh. How about these colors. And there’s a … a bar with … with a disco ball. In our dining room.

President Obama (deadpan): And is that … an aquarium?

Mrs. Obama: Wow.

President Obama: Yeah. Wow.

Irvine: … OK. Well, are you ready to open your doors and show this place off to the whole world? (Silence) The crowd is waiting just outside. We understand your first function is a state dinner with the United Kingdom’s royal family.

President Obama (mutters): Christ.

Several members of the House of Windsor walk in. They try to smile but it is difficult to hide their astonishment.

Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, uh ... well done.

Prince Philip: Quite.

Waitress: Freshen ya drink, gov'nah?

White House Impossible

Restaurant Impossible is visiting the White House this week. I assume Robert Irvine will partner with the first lady in her campaign to get kids to eat healthier, so the show will be an hour of pleasantries with none of the usual criticism of failing restaurants and minefields of family dynamics that usually comprise the show. What fun is that? I think it would be more fun for Restaurant Impossible to do a regular episode at the White House, like it’s a normal struggling eatery. Something like this …

Robert Irvine (voiceover): I’m here in historic Washington, DC, at the White House restaurant. Manager Michelle Obama has called me here to revitalize the once proud restaurant, which has lost business in recent years.

Irvine (passing through a metal detector): OK, here’s the first problem. A restaurant shouldn’t make it so hard for its customers to come in. (He walks into the dining room and sees a formal setting, with very long tables and chandeliers.) It’s a bit stuffy in here. I wouldn’t feel comfortable eating here. Let’s talk to the manager.

Michelle Obama: Hello, Robert. Thanks for coming.

Irvine: Sure. Now how long have you been at the White House?

Obama: Since early 2009. My husband and I actually inherited the property from another couple.

Irvine: I understand this isn’t your original profession.

Obama: No, I was actually trained as a lawyer.

Irvine: What about staff? Do you have any help?

Obama: Yes, I do have a full staff and they do a great job here. My husband also helps out as much as he can but he’s so busy with his job and that calls him away a lot.

Irvine (shakes head): Well, the first thing I saw when I walked in today was the security measures in place. Who would want to eat somewhere where they have so much trouble getting in? You need to be more open to people.

Obama: I guess that’s true. It’s part of the problem, really. We don’t get too much foot traffic here. The dining crowds just aren’t there like they have been.

Irvine: I’m here to help with that. Let’s taste some of the food.

Irvine sits down to be served by very formal waiters and waitresses. He samples the White House’s chicken cordon bleu, prime rib, baked Alaska and other delights.

Irvine: Not bad, not bad. A little stuffy, though. I have to be honest: It sort of tastes like banquet food. It’s kind of stiff and formal. I think what you need to do to increase business is try a more modern approach. Have you ever considered tapas?

Obama (confused): No. No we haven’t.

Irvine: And this décor. (He points to a chandelier dating from the McKinley administration.) I don’t like that chandelier. Too old fashioned. (He points to a painting from the Monroe administration.) And that painting has to go. And this long dining room table is awful. We need modern and bright.

Obama (alarmed): Well, I’m not sure we can do that. A lot of this décor is historic and …

Irvine: You have to let go of this, Michelle. Can I call you Michelle?

Obama: No.

Irvine: You have to let go of the past. Your restaurant isn’t serving many people at all. You’ve admitted that. It’s even empty right now. It’s like this place is invitation only.

Obama: Well, that’s actually …

Irvine (interrupting): You cannot survive like this. You have to be willing to change. I’m going to bring in my designer and we’re going to bring the White House into the 21^st century. I’m going to bring in my chef and we’re going to bring this menu into the 21^st century. Are you with me?

Obama: I … I guess?

Tune in Friday for the exciting reveal of the new White House!

I had the most homewrecking dream

I dreamed I was recording a Madonna radio ad that would promote her new tour. We were at my grandmother’s house and sitting on a bed that was in the living room in front of a bunch of people.

Madonna went to record her voice over but she said I was moving slightly or breathing or murmuring and it distracted her. She was playfully correcting me about this.

When it was over, I walked Madonna to the door. She whispered to me that I had to get the number of one of my married friends. She said she knew he was unhappy in his marriage and new to Delaware and had $1 million so she wanted to have an affair with him. I took her out front on the porch and read Madonna the riot act. I told her my friends were happily married and I wasn’t about to break up their relationship. Besides, he did not even live in Delaware so I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. She dropped the subject and left.

Meanwhile, there was a massive crowd of people trying to get in my grandmom’s house, so many that the fire department was there to watch for overcrowding. They carried these two women up the steps who were so old that they were slumped lifelessly. People around me seemed to recognize these women and didn’t think it was a big deal that they were basically vegetables. “That’s Myrtle,” they said.

I often have dreams involving Madonna but she isn’t usually a homewrecker. Usually we will be sitting in some sort of high school auditorium and she will be performing or she’ll be re-enacting a tour from the past but it will be all different. Sometimes I’ll discover some big stash of new music I’ve never seen before. Then I’ll wake up and be annoyed because the music doesn’t exist.

Thoughts About Celebrities

Is it my imagination or is Tim Burton basically doing the same goddamn thing over and over again with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter?

Hey, another remake of a classic fairytale, children’s story or pop culture curiosity! Look, a monochromatic palette! And there’s Johnny Depp in pancake makeup playing a misunderstood man-child! But where’s Helena Bonham-Carter? Oh, there she is! With crazy hair! And don’t you just love the forced atmosphere of Gothic horror/Victorian whimsy?

I mean, don’t you just love it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?

In the last couple of years, this trio has done nothing original. It’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory followed by Sweeney Todd followed by Alice in Wonderland followed by Dark Shadows and I haven’t cared since God knows when. Burton, Depp and Bonham-Carter are like members of some obnoxious theater clique who keep casting each other in everything.

Speaking of celebrities, who the fuck is Kendra and why is she on top and why would I want to watch a reality show of this person? I’m too disinterested to Google her but I do want to know why she’s in ads that letterbox the We channel while we’re trying to watch The Golden Girls. The commercials feature Hugh Hefner so can I infer she’s some kind of porn star?

This is why I have no interest in most reality TV. I do see the appeal of shows like American Idol or Dancing With the Stars since they require some talent and people are actually doing something. But if a show is just a glimpse into some celebrity’s life, I couldn’t be less interested. I’d rather clean my bathroom because I find the soap scum more engaging.

Taylor Swift sounds like an immature person, even for her young age. I’ve heard she wrote a song called “Mean” about some critic who criticized (which is his job) her live performance. It just sounds like a childish whine to say, “You’re meeeaaan” to someone who notes that you were off-key because it’s a legitimate point about a singer. Cope with criticism like an adult instead of crying about it because if you can’t, the entertainment industry will destroy you. Swift just sounds as if she’s still in eighth grade, writing vengeful songs in her notebook about the people who wrong her, and barely veiling anything. It’s embarrassing.

I hope nobody tries to conflate the criticism of a pop star with bullying because bullying is when a powerful person attacks a powerless person and Taylor Swift is far from powerless, as evidenced by the huge platform she has to express herself. Actual bullying is a problem but I would hope everyone with a grievance doesn’t crumple to the floor and cry “bullying” just because someone is critical of them. As one critic said, “Instead of actually doing something to improve on her inability to find or hold pitch consistently, Swift has simply written a song about how it's 'mean' for people to point out that problem." If anything, Swift is bullying the critic by writing a song about his legitimate complaints.

My God, Taylor, take off your crown of thorns and quit moaning.

Is a tux always just a tux?

In the short time that gay marriage has been legal, I view the weddings as sort of Wild West territory. Traditions are out the window from the beginning, as same-sex weddings are by definition not traditional (at least not so soon), so people can sort of do whatever they want and start their own traditions.

There are some aspects of gay weddings that make no sense to me and one of them is in a lesbian wedding when one woman wears a dress and the other wears a tuxedo. When Cynthia Nixon got married, she wore a gown while her wife, Christine Marinoni wore a tux with a neon green vest. People can do what they want and I’m no fashion expert but I thought this looked ridiculous. I’m trying not to be offensive or insensitive but I just don’t get this.

I understand that some women might not like the look of a skirt and would opt for pants. No bride should have to wear something that makes her uncomfortable. Then why not wear a suit intended for a woman? Once a woman wears a man’s tux, it gets into drag territory and starts to look more like a gimmick. It’s like some girl going to a prom in a tux and thinks it’s clever and it’s been done. Madonna did it 20 years ago and Marlene Dietrich did it 70 years ago. It’s also a blah way to dress. I envy the fact that woman have so many more choices than men as far as formalwear so why are women choosing a boring old tux? There has to be some more interesting option for a bride that will suit her personality and taste rather than a cookie cutter tuxedo. There’s a happy medium between a frilly white dress and a cummerbund.

If it’s a statement that has nothing to do with fashion, then I’m not following what it’s supposed to mean. If you look hard enough at the picture of a bride in a dress and a bride in a tux, the unintended effect is that the couple is trying to pass as a straight couple getting married, trying to fit their marriage into a straight framework other than celebrating the fact that they can now legally have the wedding on their own terms. In a way, it’s still conformity. I have no idea what Nixon and Marinoni intended by their wedding regalia but there are meanings people can read into it, and will read into it, since gay weddings are politically charged right now whether we like it or not.

This brings up some odd thoughts about gender politics, including the old idea that in gay relationships, one person has the male role and the other the female role. Does a lesbian bride think, “Well, I’m the man in the relationship, so I’m calling Men’s Wearhouse”? I don’t think the idea of gender roles is entirely accurate in gay relationships because in both straight and gay relationships, men and women don’t fall squarely into rigid categories. Steve and I do what we’re good at and split some of the work. He bakes because he’s awesome at it and I don’t know the difference between baking soda and baking powder. I barbecue because I like meat. He handles computers because he understands them a lot better. I mow the lawn because he’s allergic to cut grass. He vacuums because I can’t stand doing it. I clip coupons for the supermarket because I’m cheap. We split the laundry and cleaning. Et cetera. I think it’s that way in a majority of couples, gay or straight.

Maybe sometimes a tux is just a tux and these brides have made fashion choices that have no semiotic meaning, but it’s a curiosity to me. At our wedding, a tux will be just a tux. We will each be wearing one. One of us will not wear a dress. It will be a regular old reception with food and music and booze and laughs — things everyone, gay or straight, enjoys. I figure there’s no point in making any kind of gender or political statement because two guys getting hitched is statement enough. The rainbow flags would just be redundant.

Vote Romney for Amercia

In 2012, Mitt Romney is the right president for Amercia. Therefore, I’m asking my fellow Amercians to step up and vote for Romney.

Romney has the solutions for all the problems in this country. Nobody else — no congressman, senator or governor — is as equipped to resuscitate the economic problems that face our beloved Amercia. The former governor of Masschusets worked economic miracles in that state and can surely do the same for the country by reducing unemployment and making us number one again. He can help us face the economic challenges posed by Chinna and avoid the pitfalls that nations like Grease have fallen into.

In addition, Romney represents the values that Amercians hold dear. This includes a deep and abiding respect for the Constution. He will uphold the values of the First Ammendment, such as freedom of speech and the Second Ammendment’s freedom to bear arms. Romney will protect the family values that make Amercia such a wonderful country.

Mitt Romney has the potential to be as great a president as George Washinton, Arbaham Lincoln, Franklin Delano Rosevelt, Thomas Jeffreson or Ronald Regan. I would not be surprised to see his sculpted visage on Mount Rushmoore someday.

If you care about the future of the Untied States of Amercia, you will vote Romney this November.