White House Impossible

Restaurant Impossible is visiting the White House this week. I assume Robert Irvine will partner with the first lady in her campaign to get kids to eat healthier, so the show will be an hour of pleasantries with none of the usual criticism of failing restaurants and minefields of family dynamics that usually comprise the show. What fun is that? I think it would be more fun for Restaurant Impossible to do a regular episode at the White House, like it’s a normal struggling eatery. Something like this …

Robert Irvine (voiceover): I’m here in historic Washington, DC, at the White House restaurant. Manager Michelle Obama has called me here to revitalize the once proud restaurant, which has lost business in recent years.

Irvine (passing through a metal detector): OK, here’s the first problem. A restaurant shouldn’t make it so hard for its customers to come in. (He walks into the dining room and sees a formal setting, with very long tables and chandeliers.) It’s a bit stuffy in here. I wouldn’t feel comfortable eating here. Let’s talk to the manager.

Michelle Obama: Hello, Robert. Thanks for coming.

Irvine: Sure. Now how long have you been at the White House?

Obama: Since early 2009. My husband and I actually inherited the property from another couple.

Irvine: I understand this isn’t your original profession.

Obama: No, I was actually trained as a lawyer.

Irvine: What about staff? Do you have any help?

Obama: Yes, I do have a full staff and they do a great job here. My husband also helps out as much as he can but he’s so busy with his job and that calls him away a lot.

Irvine (shakes head): Well, the first thing I saw when I walked in today was the security measures in place. Who would want to eat somewhere where they have so much trouble getting in? You need to be more open to people.

Obama: I guess that’s true. It’s part of the problem, really. We don’t get too much foot traffic here. The dining crowds just aren’t there like they have been.

Irvine: I’m here to help with that. Let’s taste some of the food.

Irvine sits down to be served by very formal waiters and waitresses. He samples the White House’s chicken cordon bleu, prime rib, baked Alaska and other delights.

Irvine: Not bad, not bad. A little stuffy, though. I have to be honest: It sort of tastes like banquet food. It’s kind of stiff and formal. I think what you need to do to increase business is try a more modern approach. Have you ever considered tapas?

Obama (confused): No. No we haven’t.

Irvine: And this décor. (He points to a chandelier dating from the McKinley administration.) I don’t like that chandelier. Too old fashioned. (He points to a painting from the Monroe administration.) And that painting has to go. And this long dining room table is awful. We need modern and bright.

Obama (alarmed): Well, I’m not sure we can do that. A lot of this décor is historic and …

Irvine: You have to let go of this, Michelle. Can I call you Michelle?

Obama: No.

Irvine: You have to let go of the past. Your restaurant isn’t serving many people at all. You’ve admitted that. It’s even empty right now. It’s like this place is invitation only.

Obama: Well, that’s actually …

Irvine (interrupting): You cannot survive like this. You have to be willing to change. I’m going to bring in my designer and we’re going to bring the White House into the 21^st century. I’m going to bring in my chef and we’re going to bring this menu into the 21^st century. Are you with me?

Obama: I … I guess?

Tune in Friday for the exciting reveal of the new White House!