White House Impossible: The Big Reveal

Robert Irvine (voice over): While my renovation crew is working hard to make over the restaurant the White House in Washington, DC, I’m going to have a few words with the co-manager, Michelle’s husband Barack.

President Obama: Hello, Robert. Thanks for coming.

Irvine: Thank you for having me. I’d like to talk to you about how you’re running this restaurant. Your wife has told me that you’re not around that much since your other job takes you away so much.

Obama (confused): Uh … we delegate dining-related tasks to our staff.

Irvine: That’s no way to run a restaurant and it has to change if this place is going to be a success. You have got to start making a commitment to being in this dining room every day. You need to be visible if someone needs you. Your place is here.

Obama: So you think my priority should be … the dining room?

Irvine: Exactly. Barack … can I call you Barack?

Obama: No. No you cannot.

Irvine: You need to show up on time every day and throw yourself completely into making this place a success.

The president gives Irvine a look and walks away. Irvine walks into the White House dining room. Instead of stately white walls with gold crown molding, the outside walls have a black silhouette of the White House with the words “White House” in white in a garish font. The inside smells slightly of sawdust and paint. Irvine greets head builder Tom Bury.

Irvine: Hey. Did you sleep OK?

Bury (smirking): Eventually.

Irvine: I really like these walls.

Bury: Thanks. I wanted to get rid of the plain look of this room so we decided to install strips of turquoise and fuchsia tiles. I think the color contrast really gives the room an extra spark.

Irvine: And I’m loving these booths and high top tables. The bright yellow and purple paisley upholstery really pops.

Bury: Much better than that stuffy old long dining room table. We thought we would surprise people with color — a White House restaurant that’s anything but white inside. And look at these photos on the wall.

Irvine: Very nice. A big improvement over those old paintings. What are these, close-ups of buildings?

Bury: Apartment buildings and motels. We thought we’d get shots of the local city landscape. We also got rid of those stuffy chandeliers.

Irvine: Oh, I like these lights, too. I never would have thought of making hanging lamps from mag lights and birdcages. Well, let’s let the managers in.

Irvine goes outside and greets the president and first lady, who look annoyed and confused. They close their eyes and walk in.

Irvine: Are you ready for a new beginning for the White House? (Silence) Open your eyes.

Mrs. Obama (deadpan): Oh. How about these colors. And there’s a … a bar with … with a disco ball. In our dining room.

President Obama (deadpan): And is that … an aquarium?

Mrs. Obama: Wow.

President Obama: Yeah. Wow.

Irvine: … OK. Well, are you ready to open your doors and show this place off to the whole world? (Silence) The crowd is waiting just outside. We understand your first function is a state dinner with the United Kingdom’s royal family.

President Obama (mutters): Christ.

Several members of the House of Windsor walk in. They try to smile but it is difficult to hide their astonishment.

Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, uh ... well done.

Prince Philip: Quite.

Waitress: Freshen ya drink, gov'nah?