How about 'Never'

Since Christie sent me the news that ABC Family is developing a TV series of Now and Then, I’m waxing nostalgic about how much I hate that movie.

Now and Then was the most craptacular thing I’ve ever seen in a theater. I don’t remember too much but the floating graves, searching the microfilm to solve some mystery that I found profoundly boring, skinnydipping and Demi Moore wearing black and brooding while smoking her face off (because she was a writer, see?). My most vivid memory is talking through the entire thing because I found it laughable. Even the font for the credits was laughable. I am surprised nobody in the theater asked us to shut up.

What is the point of developing a TV series of a movie from 17 years ago? It got awful reviews so why revisit it? And why now? Why the ‘60s nostalgia through a child’s eyes when we already had The Wonder Years? Actually, maybe this story would work better for kids on ABC Family than it did for adults in the theater.

If they had wanted a tag line for the original movie, they could have said “Four women trying in vain to act their way out of a paper bag.” It’s not catchy but it would be accurate. Three out of the four leads were horrifying; women I just don’t like on screen. (I don’t have a problem with Rita Wilson.)

I’m in a pissy mood today so now I’m going to be excessively catty about these people.

Demi Moore should change her name to Demi Meh because she is the definition of mediocrity. Her entire career summation could read “She was in Ghost” and it wouldn’t leave out anything relevant. I was reading Christopher Ciccone’s book about Madonna and he mentioned how they were always hanging out with Demi and some A-listers and I just thought, “Demi Moore seems like the most uninteresting person in the world and I can’t imagine who would hang out with her.”

I liked Rosie O’Donnell for about three seconds until I realized the only reason I cared about her was because she was friends with Madonna. She didn’t bother me too much until she cut her hair with a tabletop paper cutter and started being hateful to everyone. This is not a smart strategy for someone whose livelihood depends on being an approachable talk show host. She just turned into an asshole.

Melanie Griffith always seemed to me like someone who could barely pronounce her own name because it was such a tongue twister. She seems barely sentient to me. It doesn’t help that she’s had so many rounds of plastic surgery that it looks like she can barely open her jaw or move her eyes to indicate emotion. I cannot stand this woman. I don’t understand how she could have sprung from Tippi Hedren’s womb. I bet Tippi still looks better than her daughter today.

Instead of Now and Then, I know what we can call the TV series to allude to the frequency at which I will watch it: Never.