Scandal!

I heard a rumor that President Obama is having an affair with Oprah Winfrey.

I don’t buy it at all. However, the thought that two of the most powerful people in the world could be sleeping together is vastly entertaining. What we need in this country is a good political scandal. It should be something that does not put lives at risk or hurt the American public but something juicy to amuse us in these trying times.

And so, to honor America, I’m dreaming up some political scandals that could edify and entertain hundreds of millions of people.

The Clintons and the Bushes engage in a little wife-swapping. True, key parties aren’t as suspenseful with only two couples but the thrill of evading the Secret Service adds an extra edge.

Vice President Joe Biden runs a heroin ring. The Constitution has no defined role for the vice president so he has to fill those hours somehow. There are only so many state funerals one can attend.

Congress rents out the Capitol during the summer to a strip club. Now that’s thinking outside the box to reduce the deficit. At the same time, it also adds much needed jobs.

Attorney General Eric Holder sells bootleg copies of The Fast and the Furious movies out of his trunk. Since “Fast and Furious” is taken, we’ll have to find a new name for this scandal.

The Federal Reserve sets interest rates at 69 percent. And they giggle like schoolboys the whole time.

Mitt Romney gets hopped up on PCP and jumps through a window during a White House tour. For someone who doesn’t even drink coffee, perhaps he should have started with baby steps.

Nancy Pelosi, Janet Napolitano and John Boehner have a cockfighting ring in the Capitol basement. I got $50 on Little Jerry.

Chief Justice John Roberts sells his votes for erotic foot rubs. What really determined Roberts’ surprise vote on healthcare reform? Obama’s proficiency with the first metatarsal.

The staff at the Library of Congress gets drunk on Harvey Wallbangers and builds book forts after hours. The librarians also take off their horn-rimmed glasses, take their hair out of those prim buns and get a little loud.

Barney Frank and Bob Dole get caught giving each other handjobs during the State of the Union. Talk about reaching across the aisle for bipartisan compromise.