The scene is the opening ceremony of the Olympics in London.
Ian McKellen:
Rather than presenting a tedious narrative about the history of
England, we’re going to celebrate our country’s most popular export:
Music. So we’ve invited every living British performer on stage tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Paul McCartney, the Rolling
Stones, David Bowie, Pink Floyd, the Who, Adele, Cliff Richard, the
surviving members of Queen, Ringo Starr, Duran Duran, Sting, Pet Shop
Boys, Eurythmics, Arctic Monkeys, Robbie Williams, Depeche Mode, George
Michael, New Order, Leona Lewis, Lily Allen, three-fifths of Fleetwood
Mac, Blur, Phil Collins, Erasure, Take That, Oasis, Rick Astley, Kylie
Minogue, Lulu, the Spice Girls, One Direction, an Amy Winehouse
impersonator, Bananarama …
The lengthy list goes on. Bored beyond reason, the Queen abdicates so she can go home and go to bed. Charles is crowned King.
McKellen:
… Pulp, Kajagoogoo, Petula Clark, Rod Stewart, Lisa Stansfield, Eric
Clapton, Def Leppard, the Sugababes, the Cure, Elton John, ABC, the
Thompson Twins, Kim Wilde, John Waite, Shirley Bassey, Will Young, Meat
Beat Manifesto, Paul Young, Bucks Fizz, Peter Gabriel, Iron Maiden,
Catatonia, Robert Plant, Adam Ant, John Lydon, Chemical Brothers,
Massive Attack, Bloc Party, Jive Bunny, the Kinks, Dexy's Midnight
Runners, Boy George, Kate Bush, Coldplay, the Orb, Dire Straits,
Goldfrapp, the Fixx, Franz Ferdinand, the Gorillaz, T'Pau, Billy Idol,
the Human League, Keane, Muse, Mika, Sade, Julie Andrews, Radiohead,
Morrissey, Tears for Fears, Sandie Shaw, the Moody Blues, the Belle
Stars, Cutting Crew, EMF, Gay Dad, A Flock of Seagulls …
The Olympic flame sputters out and must be relit.
McKellen: …
Jet, the Kaiser Chiefs, Katrina and the Waves, Marc Almond, Bronski
Beat, Siouxsie Sioux, Allison Moyet, XTC, the Verve, the
Prodigy, Fatboy Slim, Sheena Easton, Joe Cocker, Bonnie Tyler, Steve
Winwood, Girls Aloud, Angela Lansbury, Pepsi and Shirlie, the Saturdays,
Jason Donovan, Simple Minds, the Boomtown Rats, the Jam, Shakin
Stevens, JLS, Pixie Lott, Olly Murs, Jessie J, Cheryl Cole, Florence +
the Machine, Joe McElderry, Alexandra Burke, Dizzee Rascal, La Roux, Tom
Jones, Calvin Harris, Garbage, Estelle, Duffy, McFly, Razorlight, Eric
Prydz, the Streets, Ozzy Osbourne, Sarah Brightman and Frankie Goes to
Hollywood.
All the artists appear on stage and sing “Can We Fix It?” from the
TV show Bob the Builder. Liam Gallagher, Noel Gallagher, Jarvis Cocker
and Damon Albarn start spitting at each other. Then a haggard,
snaggletoothed waitress grabs the microphone.
Waitress: Freshen ya drink, guv’nah?
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