Oh my God ... what's today's date?

It’s August 3?! Oh shit. Shit shit shit. I guess it’s way too late to stock up on my back to school items. I was mostly done shopping but I did need to pick up a few notebooks and pens, as well as a pair of jeans. But I suppose those have been gone since the end of June. The aisles have been picked clean like a carcass in the desert.

I’m usually better than this. Any other year, I’d have stocked up on school supplies by Memorial Day so they’re ready to go in a bag by the front door, like the kit pregnant women pack for when they go into labor. I guess time just got away from me and now it’s way too late. No store will still have office supplies or clothes at the 11^th hour.

Maybe I can still salvage Halloween. I’ll just run to Target and pick up a few costumes and candy bars from the disp … what? Are you kidding me? The Halloween display came down last weekend?! Shit.

Now where will I find candy?

Oh God, I just had a horrible thought: I hope Acme hasn’t sold out of all its Thanksgiving turkeys! I usually try to square that away at the beginning of August so I have enough time to freeze the turkey for three months and then thaw it out. But more and more people are shopping early and trying to catch the mid-summer Thanksgiving deals so I hope I’m not left out in the cold (heat).

Well, at least I’m pretty much ahead on my Christmas shopping. I started shopping for this Christmas 2012 in April 2010 and I’m just about done. I just have to pick up a few more gift cards to Kohl’s and Best Buy. Come to think of it, I really should stop and get these after work today. You never know when they’re going to sell out. I’ll wrap them tomorrow before I run out of time.

I’d better have my act together for Christmas because after that, we go right into the Valentine’s Day rush and you know what a madhouse that can be. My supermarket puts up its Valentine’s display on Dec. 26 so I usually get up early the day after Christmas to pick up a few dozen chocolate hearts. I know I’m not the only one who has a prohibitive number of lovers for whom to buy presents so it pays to start early.

St. Patrick’s Day is not usually a problem because the Irish shops are open all year. But in a few weeks, I might want to think about stocking up on coconut and cinnamon to make those Irish potatoes.

Ugh! I’m just remembering Easter! It’s a helpless feeling, knowing that I can’t do much to prepare until Feb. 15, when the supermarkets throw out all the uneaten Valentine’s Day candy and stock the aisles with Cadbury eggs and chocolate bunnies. I think I’ll be smart about it now and buy extra eggs to beat the crowd for Easter 2013.

But then, I really should find some extra American flags for next Memorial Day and the Fourth of July. I hope the sales haven’t ended yet. It never ends.

Where did this year go?