The State of the Awkwardly Silent Union

The State of the Union would last seven minutes if people didn’t applaud every third word the president said. The pep rally gets old after awhile. Just to mix things up, one of these years, the president should only say things that would get confused or shocked silence from 535 people. Here’s what our chief executive might consider saying, just to get a rise out of people and save time:

“Um … the state of our union is, I guess, strong?”

“I urge Congress to revoke the Third Amendment. From now on, people are just going to have to drag out the air mattress and quarter our soldiers.”

“It’s a disgrace that women only make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. This gap should be even wider.”

“I am reducing the number of Supreme Court justices to two.”

“People in the lower middle class are just making too much money. Let’s lower the minimum wage to $3.16 an hour.”

“You know what? I’m tired of the debate over marriage equality. Since you people can’t agree, nobody gets marriage. I hereby declare all currently married couples, gay or straight, divorced.”

“Tonight I say to Congress: You people are the worst.”

“I believe our kids oughta all have book learnin’ with the readin’ and writin’ and such.”

“The military. Just … the military.”

“Please turn your gaze to the balcony and our special guest, renowned humanitarian and Holocaust expert, the genius with the heart of gold, Tom Perkins.”

“Abortions for some. Miniature American flags for others.”

“In the immortal words of the tax code Subsec. (a). Pub. L. 98–21, §124(a), amended subsec. (a) ‘generally, substituting a table for former pars. (1) to (7) which had imposed a tax on the self-employment income of every individual (1) in the case of any taxable year beginning before Jan. 1, 1978, to be equal to 7.0 percent of the amount of the self-employment income for such taxable year; (2) in the case of any taxable year beginning after Dec. 31, 1977, and before Jan. 1, 1979, to be equal to 7.10 percent of the amount of the self-employment income for such taxable year; (3) in the case of any taxable year beginning after Dec. 31, 1978, and before Jan. 1, 1981, to be equal to 7.05 percent of the amount of the self-employment income for such taxable year; (4) in the case of any taxable year beginning after Dec. 31, 1980, and before Jan. 1, 1982, to be equal to 8.00 percent of the amount of the self-employment income for such taxable year; (5) in the case of any taxable year beginning after Dec. 31, 1981, and before Jan. 1, 1985, to be equal to 8.05 percent of the amount of the self-employment income for such taxable year; (6) in the case of any taxable year beginning after Dec. 31, 1984, and before Jan. 1, 1990, to be equal to 8.55 percent of the amount of the self-employment income for such taxable year; and (7) in the case of any taxable year beginning after Dec. 31, 1989, to be equal to 9.30 percent of the amount of the self-employment income for such taxable year.’”

“I hereby declare war on the United Kingdom.”