Tips for Surviving the Polar Vortex

Wow, the weather, amiright? Now that the Polar Vortex has descended upon us all, I’m offering the following tips to those who want to beat the cold, especially those who don’t know what they’re doing.

• If you must go outside today, wear a shirt.
• Start your car ahead of time to warm it up but don’t do this with the garage door closed. Those fumes really are not good for you.
• If you work outside, quit.
• Don’t stick your tongue to a pole, no matter who triple dog dares you.
• Wear layers. It’s better to wear three two-inch thick coats than one six-inch thick coat.
• Turn to local news. If there’s one thing they’re good at, it’s filling a half hour with various ways of saying, “It’s cold out.”
• If you’re unsure of how to complain about the cold, just do the opposite of what you do when you bitch about the heat all summer.
• Think about fire.
• Send your kids to school with a baked potato that they can use to warm their hands while they walk uphill to school and back.
• For those who live in San Diego and the other places in this country that escape this cold, please brag about how it’s 70º because we are all so jealous. Oh my God, we want your life. We want it so bad.
• Take solace in the fact that even though it’s 5º, the name Polar Vortex is kind of awesome.