Doesn't It Seem Like the War on Christmas Starts Earlier Every Year?

I mean, it feels like Halloween just ended and I already am forced to get livid over Starbucks’ godless Christmas coffee cups. They’re still selling pumpkin spice lattes over there so it’s just too early in the season for me to choke on my outrage over what these Jesus-haters expect me to put my peppermint hot chocolate in. When it’s 60 degrees in mid-November and I have to passively-aggressively tell some atheist barista to write “Merry Christmas” on my cup, something is very wrong.

And the autumnal displays in the big box stores have already given way to Christmas decorations. Goodness, I haven’t even done my Thanksgiving dinner shopping yet. How can anybody expect me to warm up my throat to shriek at the next cashier who dares to wish me a “Happy Holidays”?

It wasn’t like this when we were kids. The annual War on Christmas never started so early. It used to be that we had to wait until Black Friday to start spitting nails over the public elementary school that put up some outrageous “holiday tree” right before the Christ-deficient teachers sent their kids on “winter break.” And Bill O’Reilly used to at least wait until after the Thanksgiving dishes were done before he started screaming about the correct way to celebrate the birth of Jesus. I used to like it when there was more of a nip in the air, or even some flurries, before my mind went red with rage.

At least give me a few weeks. I just can’t summon up the required bile before the end of November. Then we’ll celebrate Christmas as the King of Peace intended: With the rhetoric of war.