The Debate Debate

At a conference room somewhere in, let’s say Kansas City, the Republican presidential candidates meet with anchors and producers from CNBC to hammer out the terms for their next debate.

Anchor: OK, for the first question, I was thinking we could ask one about ISIS. Something like, “What specific examples can you provide of the strategies you will use to fight the terrorist threat of ISIS?”

Marco Rubio: You know what, I don’t think I like your tone.

Anchor: My tone?

Rubio: Your tone. That whole “specific examples.”

Jeb Bush: Too biased. Way too biased.

Donald Trump: And this is just another example of how the media attacks us candidates. I am yuuge. I don’t have time for political correctness. I should not be subject to this grilling.

Producer: Grilling? But he just asked a …

Carly Fiorina: He needs to tone it down, is what he needs to do. It is patently unfair to ask us for specifics. I blame the media. For everything.

Ben Carson: My own personal theory is that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain. Now all the archaeologists think that they were made for the pharaohs’ graves. But, you know, it would have to be something awfully big if you stop and think about it. And I don’t think it’d just disappear over the course of time to store that much grain.

Anchor: OK, I guess we’ll scrap the question about ISIS.

Ted Cruz: Another thing: It is way too hot in here. I thought we agreed that we would keep the thermostat at 67º?

Bush: Ohh, I don’t want to sweat. And I don’t want my makeup to run. Oh.

Producer (checks thermostat): Yes, it’s 67º.

Fiorina: Then evidently, it’s still too warm. I think we need to form a committee to investigate the ideal temperature.

Carson: I think the likelihood of Hitler being able to accomplish his goals would have been greatly diminished if the people had been armed. I'm telling you, there is a reason these dictatorial people take the guns first.

Rubio: I refuse to do anything more until that committee determines what temperature the hall should be set at. I just absolutely refuse.

Chris Christie: I also refuse. I think each campaign should get an equal say in the temperature and then we should average it out. This is media bias.

Trump: No way! Why should we each get an equal say? We all know I’m the frontrunner. My vote should count more.

Fiorina: I think …

Trump: Honey, don’t interrupt me. It’s extremely rude.

Anchor: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before this gets out of hand, let’s agree to form a committee to investigate the temperature.

Producer: Here’s another thought: Maybe it’s easier to have each candidate take five minutes to talk about whatever and just tell people why they should vote for them.

Bush: I’m for it as long as we get equal time.

Trump: And as long as nobody asks us for specifics.

Carson: A lot of people who go into prison straight and when they come out, they’re gay, so did something happen while they were in there? Ask yourself that question.

Rubio: I’ll do it but I want a legal pad that’s the same as everyone else’s. And I want nicer pens on this podium.

Meanwhile, in New York, Hillary Clinton and an assistant review a book of fabric samples.

Assistant: So I was thinking the gold and blue would be nice.

Hillary Clinton: That’s fine. Whatever would complement the oval shape.