The revelation that Kanye West is $53 million in debt is
alarming but let’s not panic. Let’s form some breakout groups all over this
great nation and brainstorm some ideas to bail out this man, who has released
multiple number one albums and performed on lucrative tours and also married
into a family so wealthy they make the 1% look like that migrant mother in the
Dorothea Lange Depression photo.
We can at least breathe a sigh of relief because Kanye notes
he still has enough money to “buy furs and houses” for his family. However, he
still just doesn’t have enough money to “bring more beautiful ideas to the
world.” As we all know, the only way to make great art is by throwing money at artists.
Once enough cash has accumulated in a bank account, voila — art!
Don’t believe me? Then name me one decent work of art that
ever happened for free or at low cost, without a $1 billion infusion of cash
from Facebook.
Kanye’s disciples have raised $4,000 or so through online
fundraising so that’s a start but it’s not enough. I want to see you all drop
your petty financial concerns like paying your mortgage or student loans or
putting food on the table for your kids and join me. Here are my thoughts:
• You know swear jars,
where people pay money after using profanity? Well, let’s establish ego jars
for Kanye West, except we’ll be the ones who pay. Every time he tweets that
he’s a genius, we’ll all give him a quarter. We could also have self-pity jars,
so whenever he complains that even though he’s won multiple Grammy awards in
the last decade he’s never won the Grammy he really wants, or complains that
nobody respects him despite the nearly unanimous critical acclaim for each of
his albums, that’s another quarter from the public.
• Kanye and Kim just had
another child, if I remember my tabloids correctly. I hope they’re taking
advantage of the range of tax deductions related to children. I also hope when
they go into H&R Block to get their taxes done, they remember to deduct
their mortgage interest. You’d be surprised at how far this can go.
• Don’t sample anything
in your music. It’s too expensive to get clearance and pay out publishing
royalties. Just record your albums with kazoos. Rerecord all your old albums
with no samples and all the sampled artists will have to pay back whatever you
paid them.
• Maybe don’t do things
like hire an orchestra to propose to your wife?
I want to see five ideas for Kanye debt relief from each of
you by EOB today. We’ll pay off his creditors in no time.
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