Oprah Loves Bread

She. Loves. Bread.

She LOVES bread!

The face of Oprah Winfrey appears on our TV screen, hovering over our heads like some kind of disembodied spiritual leader giving instructions for life to the receptive masses. In the middle of conversation, I stop talking and can only stare at the TV. If I had been carrying dinner plates, I would have dropped them. If I had been drinking something, I would have spit it out.

For Oprah is speaking and all forms of life in our home come to a halt. Dressed in luminous shades of wheat and rye, she speaks of her affinity for carbs in tones that command her subjects to heed her call. She seems somehow bigger than the 50-inch screen, as if the frame will shatter if her personality tries to squeeze into it too many times.

For have you heard? Weight Watchers will let you eat as much glutiny bread as you want. If it’s good enough for Oprah, it’s surely good enough for us peons.

We cannot overstate the magnificence of her visage or the grandiosity of her pronouncement. She speaks and the world turns. If I hadn’t enjoyed sandwiches or garlic bread before, I would certainly be convinced by the power of Oprah, mowing down palm trees like a hurricane.

Oprah loves bread. And now we all do.