Possibly Misremembered Christmas Traditions

Every Christmas when we were little, my parents took us to see The Nutcracker at the local grand opera house. Afterwards, we would go to Gimbels and we each got an orange and a cinnamon stick, which we dunked in our peppermint (topped with a shot of eggnog if we’d been good). I remember Gimbel’s had a violinist and she would play “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” if the temperature was above freezing and “Last Christmas” if it was below freezing. We had mistletoe hanging in various locations in the house back then. If you walked under one of the sprigs, you used to have to lie prostrate on the floor in front of the nearest nativity set and make air kissing sounds at the baby Jesus. It was always fun when we went to pick out a Christmas tree. We’d spend hours on the lot, testing each branch for suitability. My parents paid a bunch of women, dressed like the Virgin Mary with fake pregnancy bumps, to pull the tree home on a sleigh. We’d follow, very slowly, in our car. When we got home we’d pop 65 bags of Jiffy Pop, sew the popcorn with cinnamon-flavored dental floss (to be extra festive) and wrap the tree in it. The rest of the tree would be covered in mauve Victorian-style bows and miniature portraits of Santa Claus as interpreted by avant garde artists. There were no lights because lights would attract the ghosts of Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole and they’d come and put a curse on Christmas. The loudest person got to place the Garbage Pail Kid on top of the tree. On Christmas Eve, we’d have a traditional dinner of a goose injected with peppermint, fruitcake topped with krill, and egg salad with cinnamon and nutmeg. Then, if we could hold it down, we’d skip to 1 a.m. Mass, singing the Salsoul Orchestra Christmas album. We’d sit in the cry room and each simultaneously read out loud whatever Gospel nativity story the priest wasn’t reading. If the priest read Luke, two of us would read Matthew and the other two would read Mark. Back at home, we’d leave a plate of kale and stewed tomatoes out for Santa and go to bed. After two hours of sleep, we’d awaken pre-dawn and head downstairs. The person who could make the best case for being disappointed last Christmas would then be entitled to his or her own presents plus half the others’ presents. Then we’d each go see separate movies for the rest of the day.