Quit jerking off on stage and give out some Oscars

As Seth MacFarlane started his Oscars monologue, I remembered why I don’t like The Family Guy. That was exhausting. We were at my parents’ and were going to leave after the monologue and the first award but it just went on and on and on. Captain Kirk was funny but the whole conceit just went on to the point where it was excruciating and no longer amusing. Just like Family Guy.

The whole joke of MacFarlane singing tasteless songs and Kirk preventing him from doing so was an example of a joke crawling up its own ass. Even in joking about the tacky song, he still performed the tacky song. It was just three layers too much of meta bullshit. For me, the best way to describe the “I Saw Your Boobs” song was that I laughed but felt bad about laughing. I didn’t realize til later that a lot of the women MacFarlane was poking fun at showed their boobs in movies where they got raped, which kind of detracts from the fun a tad.

I did enjoy the sock puppet re-enactment of Flight.

This whole thing begs the question of why the Academy Awards people had MacFarlane on in the first place. They have had problems before with hosts who were too irreverent and did not go over well with the audience. And they knew MacFarlane would be too irreverent and they had him on anyway. And then he just makes smartass jokes about how everyone will hate him. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What in the name of God was the point? How about just hosting the fucking show instead of making masturbatory skits about yourself?

If the organizers want to make the show less than three hours, they need to drastically cut down on the dance numbers and such. I did like the performance by the Les Miserables cast. It made sense to do this at the Oscars because it’s from a nominated movie. Similar to how artists at the Grammys will perform their songs, at the Oscars, the actors should strut their stuff from their nominated movies. But looking back at Chicago and Dreamgirls as part of a tribute to musicals was really a reach. Is anyone really saying, “Can you believe it’s been 10 years since Chicago? Let’s look back.” Ten years is an eye blink to me. There are much more venerable movie musicals to salute.

I didn’t see the James Bond musical tribute. I heard Shirley Bassey was great but I’m just annoyed than they didn’t ask Duran Duran to perform as they did the greatest Bond theme ever. Sorry, Adele, but it’s a fact.

So I really didn’t like those dance numbers during MacFarlane’s monologue. This is not the Tonys and I have no desire to sit through this person’s tapdance just because he likes to tapdance. That horseshit, not the acceptance speeches, is why the Oscars are over three hours. Quit jerking off on stage and give out some Oscars. At least things aren’t as bad as they were when Debbie Allen regaled us all with interpretive dance.

Also, I’m bored out of my mind at the overanalysis of why The Onion calling Quvenzhané Wallis the C-word was wrong. The whole thing boils down to “Don’t call a 9-year-old girl the C-word.” And that should be it. It just isn’t hard to understand why it was offensive. I don’t need a 2,000-word think piece on it.

But no. By all means, let’s have every person with a pulse write a melodramatic take on why it was wrong to say that word about that girl. Let’s all write so much about it that it draws more attention to the infraction and that girl will have an easier time of finding out what The Onion called her. (Yes, I realize I am also writing about this but I do not have a national platform with which to bore people; only a local platform for boredom.) Let’s have every journalist and writer milk the shit out of this incident so they can have something to do. I saw a writer at the Huffington Post react to a New York Times writer’s reaction to the tweet and I just wanted to tell them that it just gets less and less interesting the more the circle jerk of self-referential analysis continues.

The entire point of this incident was that you shouldn’t call a kid the C-word. Must all these commentators turn it into their graduate thesis?