Take This Papacy and Shove It

The scene is the human resources office at the Vatican. Pope Benedict XVI waits outside the HR director’s office, one last time reading over a document he has written. The phone rings and the secretary picks it up.

Secretary (after hanging up): He’ll see you now.

The pope nods and walks into the office. It is a drab room with a fern and a Successories poster on the wall that says “Determination” over a picture of a mountain. Without getting up, the HR director gestures for the pontiff to sit.

HR Director: Good afternoon, your holiness. I understand you have a personnel matter to discuss with me.

Pope: Yes. I have a letter for you.

The HR director reads the letter and frowns.

HR Director: I must say, this comes as a surprise. You’ve been with the Vatican for a number of years.

Pope: Since 2005.

HR Director: Yes, I recall the white smoke. Why resign? I thought the terms of your contract were generous. Lifetime tenure is not a perk that one can find at any organization.

Pope: That is true. But as I move further into my ninth decade, I find that I need a change. I’ve been with the church for decades and as I get older, I find it harder to muster the energy required for my office. I trust nearly three week’s notice will be sufficient?

HR Director: Certainly, your holiness. I’m sure we can find a replacement by the end of the month.

Pope: Fine. I’m willing to help train the new pontiff if needed.

HR Director (with a quizzical expression): Can I ask a question? Are you certain there’s not more behind this resignation? It’s the first for a pope since 1415.

Pope: Well … oh, what the hey. I’ll just say it. It’s Federico.

HR Director: In the PR department?

Pope (sighs): He’s been driving me crazy. For years. Always late with everything and I’m getting exhausted with sending him reminders to turn in his work. His spelling is atrocious. He takes way too many personal calls. Plus, he refuses to wash out the coffee pot. And have you heard the way he whistles in his cubicle? The man actually whistles. I swear I can’t even …

HR Director (interrupting): Well, I suppose there are a number of factors at work in your abdication. You’ll be happy to note that we do offer a generous severance package. Now, as for your exit interview, would the 28^th be a good day?

Pope: Yes. And I’ll turn in my ID card at that time.