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[Brackets, brackets, brackets. For all of March they were enclosing us like some horrible prison as the NCAA narrowed down to fewer and fewer teams. In an attempt to jump on the bandwagon, every halfway respectable website has its own tournament of favorite days or favorite temperatures or something. Well, never let it be said that I do not run a respectable website. Here is my attempt at a bracket of things.]

Big Ol’ Southeastern Conference (II)

Letter openers (1)

The space bar (16)

“Walk Like an Egyptian” (2)

Reliant K Car (15)

Wrapping paper (3)

The Scarlet Witch (14)

Bring It On (4)

Splenda (13)

Abe Vigoda (5)

Elliptical runners (12)

Dignity (6)

Self-cleaning ovens (11)

Baptismal fonts (7)

Jorts (10)

Lip liner (8)

Mashed potatoes (9)

North By Northwest Division

Angela Merkel (1)

Area rugs (16)

Empty Nest (2)

Diamond tennis bracelets (15)

Self storage (3)

Olive tapenade (14)

Doggie doors (4)

America (13)

Crew socks (5)

Viva paper towels (12)

Valentine’s Day (6)

Photoshop (11)

Helvetica (7)

Hotel room service (10)

Agatha Christie novels (8)

The color yellow (9)

Greater Occidental League

Propane grills (1)

Post-It notes (16)

Eyesight (2)

The Ice Capades (15)

Onion dip (3)

Hypercolor T-shirts (14)

Farsi (4)

iPod docking stations (13)

Ska (5)

Univision (12)

No-fault divorce (6)

The Harlem Globetrotters (11)

Daylight Savings Time (7)

Laughter (10)

Underwear (8)

Digital speedometers (9)

Magnetic North Fellowship

Unlimited breadsticks (1)

Fabric softener (16)

Reversible belts (2)

Cream of mushroom soup (15)

Dachshunds (3)

Abercrombie and Fitch (14)

The 12^th Amendment (4)

Past participles (13)

Wine coolers (5)

Love sonnets (12)

Semicolons (6)

Collated copies (11)

The number 8 (7)

Representative democracy (10)

Kohl’s (8)

Swiffer wet jet (9)

[Place your bets. The first person with a perfect bracket will win $1 trillion.]