Very few people have actually seen it. All we really have to
go on is images of lightsabers, droids and Jedi types running around. Critics
aren’t getting advanced screenings. We’re taking a leap of faith here:
What if Star Wars
Episode VII: The Force Awakens sucks? Not just that it gets mixed reviews
and people find redeeming qualities: What if it’s just flat-out terrible and
everybody hates it?
What if the climactic scene is Jar-Jar Binks and Ewoks
tapdancing? What if instead of lightsabers they all use glitter cannons? What
if it’s actually a documentary on Reagan’s Strategic Defense Initiative? What
if there’s a hologram of Bea Arthur from the Star Wars Holiday Special? What if there’s a scene of Leia and Han
doing erotic pottery to “Unchained Melody”? What if Chewbacca talks like a
normal person with a Cockney accent? What if there are prominent Apple logos on
all the droids and battleships? What if the main setpiece is a 45-minute scene
of the senate debating the theme for the Life Day party?
People have already sunk so much money into this, taking out
home equity loans to afford their IMAX tickets. What happens when The Force Awakens is execrable and you
stomp out of the theater and rip off your 3D glasses in disgust and get the
nauseous feeling of your hard-earned money vanishing into a Disney-powered void
of suck? And you get home and spot one of your new Star Wars T-shirts and you just start yelling and yelling at it?
Yelling until you’re blue in the face because you have to take out your anger
and disappointment on the closest tangible representation of the movie?
You go online and all the critics give it an F or no stars
and people try to sell their tickets on Ebay but nobody will buy them because
everybody has heard how bad it sucked. All your friends see it and post “SPOILER
ALERT: IT SUCKED!!!1!!” on Facebook.
Then what? What do we do?
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