The Phone

Last weekend, the morning network news show featured a family that was swearing off texting one another for a whole weekend! They’re only going to talk to each other with their voices, in person or over the phone. I am glad someone is shining a spotlight on these heroes because such a sacrifice demands major attention.

I mean, can you imagine? Having to call people to communicate with them? What is this, 1976?

Someone should check on this family to see if they made it through their SMS-less weekend. I hope they all haven't been reduced to feral animals with their primitive communication tools, which are completely unacceptable today. Their ears and eyes must ache from the horrible burden of listening and speaking.

Sometimes talking on the phone is appropriate when it’s big news, like when my Mom called yesterday with news of the birth of my nephew (!!!). Otherwise, I can only tolerate Ma Bell’s torture device through a major act of will. At work, my skin crawls when the phone rings and I have to suppress vomiting in my mouth when I’m talking. If somebody wanted to offer me a million dollars and told me I’d have to sit through a phone call to do it, I would refuse. If I am ever in physical danger and my only option is to call 911 and not text (especially on some kind of landline, barf), I will opt instead to hope I live through my injuries.

Remember when Obamacare rolled out that website that didn’t work at first and nobody could get health insurance? The phone lines worked fine but people wisely avoided calling. I can't blame them for not calling; I would have risked uncovered illness and governmental fines, too.

Don’t even talk to me about voice mail. It’s extremely inconsiderate ever to leave one in any circumstances for anyone and doing so violates the social contract. You actually expect me to go through the onerous hell of clicking up to twice on a screen and then listening to a voice? Never speak to me again.