Ding Dong DOMA Dead

The Defense of Marriage Act is dead and now those of us gay people who are legally married (or getting there as we will soon convert our civil union into a marriage) can expect federal benefits and recognition, the same as any other married couple.

I am gratified that the Supreme Court invoked the Fifth Amendment’s equal protection clause in this decision. As the opinion by Justice Kennedy says, “DOMA instructs all federal officials, and indeed all persons with whom same-sex couples interact, including their own children, that their marriage is less worthy than the marriages of others.”

I am no constitutional expert but on a human level, the gay marriage for me debate boiled down to this: If marriage is good enough for straight couples who have known each other for 10 days, it’s good enough for couples like Steve and I, who have been in a committed relationship for 10 years. And 10 years is nothing — look how long Edie Windsor and Thea Spyer were together before they got married. What was the purpose to DOMA other than to be a mean-spirited denial of rights to a group of people? It wasn’t a defense of the institution of marriage as much as being vigilant that the wrong people didn’t get into the country club.

The key problem with DOMA and the heart of the gay marriage debate was the idea that my marriage would be “less worthy than the marriages of others.” I am lucky enough that none of my friends or family ever saw my relationship as less than a straight relationship (Exhibit A: the outpouring of love at our wedding). I felt like for some people, the opposition to gay marriage was rooted in a desire to keep gay people at a lower status.

It’s not just about the Social Security benefits; it’s about feeling your relationship and your life is worth as much as anyone else’s. This decision is another step toward deleting the scare quotes around the word marriage for gay people. I am lucky enough that people in my life acknowledge my relationship but a lot of gay people aren’t and I hope they’re starting to breathe a little easier now.

I felt like for years, the conversation about gay relationships went as follows:

Gay couple: We’ve been in a committed relationship for years and would like the same rights as straight couples.

Person in charge: Too bad. You two aren’t married so you can’t have them.

Gay couple: Well … can we get married then?

Person in charge: No.

It’s like we were being told we couldn’t have something and then being penalized for not having it.

Without marriage, longtime gay relationships were sort of formless. There was no word for what people had, nothing that carried the weight of marriage and all the commitment that implies. Someone could be your partner but that was just a vague (and kind of clinical) designation. In upholding traditional marriage (which, by the way, I do support as my parents have had one for 40 years and I am the product of it), some people seemed to be holding gay relationships as a lesser status.

That’s what kills me: How alike gay and straight marriages and relationships are. Sometimes I wonder, what do people think gay couples do? We’re not doing molly at the white party every weekend. We’re laughing at sitcoms and doing laundry and having the same stupid arguments like every other couple does.

The fight is not over and gay couples in most of America still cannot marry. But the fact that DOMA is dead, and that the government recognizes our marriage as equal to a straight marriage adds to the feeling of acceptance we’ve already felt from our friends and family. It’s enormously important and empowering.