No documentaries and no stand-up comedy

Never ask me to watch a documentary or stand-up comedy. Those are two types of movies that I have no interest in.

The only type of documentary I would watch is a biography of a celebrity. Otherwise, forget it. If your subject is interesting enough, I’ll read a book on it, but I won’t watch a documentary movie. I suppose I reserve movies for fiction only.

I don’t like those documentaries that have a preconceived notion for which the directors find evidence to prove. Documentaries should be more along the lines of a scientist testing a hypothesis without any bias. So I have no interest in watching movies by Michael Moore or Bill Maher or hagiographies of Sarah Palin because I know what the conclusion will be. I mean, is anyone really surprised that Maher concludes that religions are all a little bit wacky? I could have told you that right off and saved you two hours. I agree with Al Gore about the environment but I certainly won’t watch him talk about it. Just give me your ideas in bullet point form and I’ll try to be more conscientious.

This will sound awful but I especially have no interest in documentaries on people who are downtrodden. This includes inner city kids who get that one shot at redemption when their school enters a contest to OH GOD I’M SO BORED. Just write me something and I’ll read it.

As for stand-up comedy, maybe I would enjoy a show if I ever saw one live. But when we’re looking for something on Netflix, the absolute last category for me would be a stand-up comedy special. I guess I just need my comedy to be fiction. I don’t understand why the idea of watching someone tell jokes in front of an audience fills me with aggravation and boredom but it does.

Plus, stand-up comedians as a group seem very thin-skinned and self-important. I keep reading these debates about what type of jokes are appropriate (rape, etc.) and comedians seem to get extremely offended at any type of criticism and carry on as if their choice of joke is the most important issue facing us today. And it just isn’t — not to me, anyway.

Also of little importance is whether or not comedians get heckled or under what circumstances people are allowed to heckle them or how they handle heckling. I keep seeing articles about this stuff and I feel like it’s a subject that is of interest to comedians and nobody else. Airing this out in public is like a company going public with boring inside baseball debates that are better left in the conference room. It’s a shame you got heckled but it’s basically a bad day at work for you. I’m sure you’ll live. Millions do after they have a bad day. I have bad days at work too but I keep the saga to myself and certainly don’t bore the generally public with it like stand-up comedians do.