Bitchy Resting Face

All my life, I have suffered from a debilitating medical condition. It has made me the target of ridicule and stares from strangers on the street. It has literally made me miserable. I had nowhere to turn; no support group; no name for my affliction.

Until now. Now I hear I have something called Bitchy Resting Face.

Perhaps you’ve heard of this. I am one of thousands of Americans whose face does not default to a smile when at rest. My neutral face is either blank or a scowl. I could be deliriously happy but look like my dog just died. And now my condition has a name. And I am filled with relief (but of course, you won’t know that because I will still look sad/angry).  

We definitely need to raise awareness of Bitchy Resting Face because a lot of people try to help me and though their hearts are in the right place, they are misguided. I have had total strangers on the street tell me some version of “Smile. It can’t be that bad.”

This does not help my disease for several reasons. First off, telling a stranger to smile is actually more depressing than cheering because it implies that there is something wrong with me or wrong with my face. This is just how I look and I can’t do too much about that. Hey, you might be ugly and I might not like that, but I’m not going to tell you to change your appearance. I’m going to do something called “mind my own business” because I don’t know you.

My face and I do not need an intervention. We are fine. And I will not remember you as some kind of guardian angel who turns my life around with your simple, kind comments.

But let’s say I do decide to do something about my Bitchy Resting Face because hey, everyone can smile, right? Well, unless they’re having a stroke. Someone says, “Smile!” I plaster on a fake smile. The person says, “That’s not a real smile.” Really? You can’t command someone to express an emotion and expect it to be genuine? Who knew? 

Now that Bitchy Resting Face finally has the validation it deserves, I would like to offer my sour-faced peers some advice for what to say when someone tells you to “Smile!”

·      “No.”

·      “I thought they canceled Candid Camera.”

·      “Mind your own business.”

·      “Frown. Oh, wait — I thought we were doing one of those free association things. Like you say ‘black’ and I say ‘white.’ Who are you again?”

·      “Walk away and I might.”

·      “Oh, my God, are you from a modeling agency?! I always had a feeling I’d get discovered outside the Wawa someday and now I have been! It’s funny — I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long and now it’s here and I don’t know what to say! Make sure you get my good side!”

·      “(bursts into tears and runs away)”

Since my affliction now has international attention, I assume awareness fundraising for Bitchy Resting Face cannot be far behind. I’m organizing a 5K to benefit me and people like me and I hope to get together that race soon. On second thought, let’s skip organizing anything. Just go outside and run around for awhile. And write me a check when you’re done.