Bloody bollocks, guv'nah

Editor's note: Well, it looks like Waity Katie and her lazy womb are off the hook. But I still thought I'd share this rant I wrote in the heat of passion because I am not yet ready to forget or forgive. 

 I could not be more bloody livid at the Duchess of Cambridge for having the gall — the absolute, unmitigated gall — of not going into labor yet. My God, how much longer must we wait for this Royal Baby? Does that woman not know how disruptive it has been that she is still heavy with child? I am knackered because this is all bollocks. Bloody bollocks, guv’nah.

I know that woman’s pregnancy has certainly turned my life upside down. All month long I have faithfully watched the legions of photographers camped outside the London hospital, breathlessly awaiting the crowning of the head that will someday be crowned. I have spent entire workdays with my unblinking eyes trained on a live feed of the hospital, to the detriment of my work. My eyes track the movements of the smallest life forms to cross the screen. At home, I am a zombie, refreshing the BBC website every few seconds, just hoping the next click will bring the news of a dilated royal cervix. I have lately taken to waking up in the middle of the night to check for news, as one would awaken to feed a newborn. I have neglected hygiene, chores and human contact.

And for what, I ask?

Kate Middleton and Prince William simply need to be more honest with us. For Christ’s sake, the couple hasn’t even provided a due date, let alone the common courtesy of sharing ultrasounds and medical updates on a regular basis. The rumors had said the baby was due in mid-July so on July 15, I was on pins and needles all day. I was so nervous that I called in sick and stayed home to await the news of the baby that I assumed would come that day. Midnight struck in Greenwich and no baby. Now I’m hearing the baby has days to go. I cancelled my vacation because I certainly don’t want to be caught unawares.

And how am I supposed to send William and Kate a present if I don’t know the gender? I have a whole room at home full of clothes and toys ready to go, a set in pink and a set in blue, but I can’t send either yet. Why are they making me look like an idiot?

Oh, well. I guess I’ll continue to pass the time by doodling prospective boy and girl baby names. So until baby Philip Charles Diana Victoria George Elizabeth Nigel Mary Margaret Derek Ke$ha Albert arrives, don’t expect me to return your messages.