Enjoy the processed hog anus

It was their faces that turned my stomach on today’s morning shows. Alarmingly pink and bloated with hot dog particles sputtering from their mouths. I got the sense that the second the cameras were off, these people vomited in a great reverse-swallow shower of processed pork, drenching the Fourth of July crowd in the pre-digested symbolism of their unholy hunger.

Oh, I’m sorry. Does my description make you sick? It should because it made me sick to watch it. It should make everyone sick because the very idea is sickening on several levels. I have railed against competitive eating before. After watching a clip from the hot dog eating contest this morning, I must again vent my disgust at this whole gluttonous, knuckle-dragging endeavor.

Purely on a level of taste, it makes me bottomlessly sick to watch people eat hot dogs. For as long as I can remember, I have never been able to stand those nasty pork tubes so the idea of people shoving a bunch of them down their throats is instant ipecac for me. For me, a hot dog will forever be what it was on The Simpsons: A combination of a shoe, a pigeon, a rat and a raccoon.  

But it doesn’t matter what these people eat because I have no sense of humor or fun when it comes to competitive eating. I can put up with a lot of stupid shit but as far as competitive eating, I’m out. At the risk of sounding like a nagging parent, there are people in this country who don’t have enough to eat. The rest of us should at least have the decency not to shovel as much shit as we can down our gullets. The people in these contests should have some fucking dignity.

I think it’s hilarious that this pig contest took place in the same New York where the mayor is banning large sodas due to concerns of gluttony but has no problem with people eating dozens of hot dogs in two minutes. So you can cram as much processed hog anus into your intestines as you can but you can only have a small soda to help the filth down sluice down your throat. Because the real problem in that tableau is high fructose corn syrup.

But of course, barely suppressing your hot dog vomit long enough to collect a prize is a tradition and as we all know, all traditions are beyond criticism and I should lighten up and USA! USA! USA!